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N°' XXVII. J ^ 

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OXBEKRY'S 
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• - THE 

BUSY BODY, 

A COMEDY ; 

BY 

jfKvj** CentUttrt* 



boston : < 

published by wells and lilly— court-street : \ 

AND 

A. T. GOODRICH & CO. NEW- YORK. 



1822. 






<> 
<> 
% 



$l3fi0 



CONTAINED IN THIS EDITION, AS FAR AS YET PUB« 
LISHED IN ENGLAND. 






. 1 A New Way to Pay Old 


36 Country GirL 


Debts. 


37 Jane Shore. 


2 Rivals. 


38 Critic. * 


3 West Indian. 


39 Coriolanus. 


4 Hypocrite. 


40 Rosina. * 


5 Jealous Wife. 


41 Suspicious Husband. 


6 She Stoops to Conquer. 


42 Honest Thieves. * 


7 Richard III. 


43 Mayor of Garratt. * 


3 Beggar's Opera. 


44 Merry Wives of Windsor. 


9 Wonder. 


45 Stranger. 


10 Duenna. 


46 Three Weeks after Mar 


1 1 Alexander the Great. 


riage. * 


12 Lionel and Clarissa. 


47 King Lear. 


13 Hamlet. 


48 Inconstant. 


14 Venice Preserved. 


49 Shipwreck. * 


15 Is He Jealous ? * 


50 Rugantino. * 


16 The Woodman's Hut. * 


51 Wild Oats. 


17 Love in a Village. 


52 Rule a Wife and Have i 


18 Way to Keep Him. 


Wife. 


19 Castle Spectre. 


53 Magpie. # 


20 Maid of the Mill. 


54 Quaker. * 


21 Clandestine Marriage. 


55 Merchant of Venice. 


22 Soldier's Daughter. 


56 Wheel of Fortune. 


23 Othello. 


57 Rob Roy. 


24 Distressed Mother. 


58 Citizen. * 


25 Provoked Husband. 


59 Deserter. * 


26 Deaf and Dumb. 


60 Miser. * 


27 Busy Body. 


61 Guy Mannering. 


28 Belle's Stratagem. 


62 Cymbeline. 


29 Romeo and Juliet. 


63 Lying Valet. * 


30 Recruiting Officer. 


64 Twelfth Night. 


31 Bold Stroke for a Wife. 


65 The Confederacy. 


32 Road to Ruin. 


66 Douglas. 


g3 Beaux' Stratagem. 


67 Who's the Dupe ? * 


IU As you Like It. 


68 Know Your own Mind. 


35 King John. 


1 



O 3 Those marked thus * are Farces or Melo-drames ; th 
prices of which are 20 cents ; the Plays and Operas 25 cents. 



©Vfcerrg's Section 



THE BUSY BODY 



A comedy; 



m $wvs. artntrnvz. 



WITH PREFATORY REMARKS. 

THE ONLY EDITION EXISTING, WHICH IS FAITHFULLY 

MARKED WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, 

AND STAGE DIRECTIONS, 

AS IT IS PERFORMED AT THE 

Elxz&tvtH ftogaL 

By W. OXBERRY, Comedian. 



boston : 

PUBLISHED BY WELLS AND LILLY — COURT-STREET 
AND A. T. GOODRICH & CO. — NEW-YORK. 

1822. 



I 



MtmuvUu. 



THE BUSY BODY. 



J. he Busy Body is a comedy that has now held posses- 
sion of the stage above a hundred years, (the best test of 
excellence :) and the merit that has enabled it to do so 
consists in the ingenuity of the contrivance, the liveliness 
of the plot, and the striking effect of the situations. Mrs. 
Centlivre, in this and her other plays, could do nothing 
without a stratagem ; but she could do every thing with 
one. She delights in putting her dramatis personce con- 
tinually at their wit's end, and in helping them off with a 
new evasion ; and the subtlety of her resources is in pro- 
portion to the criticalness of the situation and the short- 
ness of the notice for resorting to an expedient. Twenty 
times in seeing or reading one of her plays your pulse beats 
quick, and you become restless and apprehensive for the 
event ; but with a fine theatrical sleight of hand, she lets 
you off, undoes the knot of the difficulty, and you breathe 
freely again, and have a hearty laugh into the bargain. 
In short, with her knowledge of chambermaids' tricks, and 
insight into the intricate foldings of lovers' hearts, she 
plays with the events of comedy, as a juggler shuffles 
about a pack of cards, to serve his own purposes, and to 



the surprise of the spectator. This is one of the most de- 
lightful employments of the dramatic art. It costs noth- 
ing — but a voluntary tax on the inventive powers of the 
author; and it produces when successfully done, profit and 
praise to one party, and pleasure to all. To shew the ex- 
tent and importance of theatrical amusements (which some 
grave persons would decry altogether, and which no one 
can extol too highly,) a friend of ours, whose name will be 
as well known to posterity as it is to his contemporaries, 
was not long ago mentioning that one of the earliest and 
most memorable impressions ever made on his mind was 
the seeing Venice Preserved acted in a country town when 
he was only nine years old. But he added that an elderly 
lady who took him to see it, lamented notwithstanding the 
wonder and delight he experienced, that instead of Venice 
Preserved they had not gone to see the Busy Body, which 
had been acted the night before. This was fifty years ago, 
since which, and for fifty years before that, it has been 
acted a thousand times in town and country, giving de- 
light to the old, the young, and middle-aged, passing the 
time carelessly, and affording matter for agreeable reflec- 
tion afterwards, making us think ourselves and wish to be 
thought, the men equal to Sir George Airy in grace and 
spirit, the women to Miranda and Isabinda in love and 
beauty, and all of us superior to Marplot in wit. Among 
the scenes that might be mentioned in this Comedy as 
s-triking instances of happy stage effect, are Miranda's con- 
trivance to escape from Sir George by making him turn his 
back upon her to hear her confession of love, and the ludi- 
crous attitude in which he is left waiting for the rest of her 
speech after the lady has vanished ; his offer of the hun- 
dred pounds to her guardian to make love to her in his 
presence, and when she receives him in dumb shew, his' 



answering for both ; his situation concealed behind the 
chimney screen, his supposed metamorphosis into a mon- 
key, and his deliverance from thence, in that character, by 
the interference of Marplot; Mrs. Patch's sudden conver- 
sion of the mysterious love letter into a charm for the 
tooth-ache, and the whole of Marplot's meddling and 
blunders. The last character is taken from Dryden and 
the Duchess of Newcastle ; and is indeed the only attempt 
at character in the play. It is amusing and superficial. 
We see little of the puzzled perplexity of his brain, but his 
actions are absurd enough. He whifiies about the stage 
with considerable volubility, and makes a very lively au- 
tomaton. Sir George Airy sets out for a scene or two in a 
spirited manner, but afterwards the character evaporates 
in the name ; and he becomes as common place as his 
friend Charles, who merely laments over his misfortunes 
or gets out of them by following the suggestions of his va- 
let or his valet's mistress. Miranda is the heroine of the 
piece, and has a right to be so ; for she is a beauty and an 
heiress. Her friend has less to recommend her ; but who 
can refuse to fall in love with her name ? What volumes 
of sighs, what a world of love, is breathed in the very 
sound alone — the letters that form the charming name of 
Isabinda ! W. H. 



mmt oC MtpvcBtntation. 



The time this piece takes in representation is one 
hour and forty-seven minutes. The first act occupies the 
space of sixteen minutes — The second, twenty-four — the 
third, twenty — the fourth, twenty-four — and the fifth, 
twenty-three. The half-price commences, generally, at 
half-past eight o'clock. 



Stage Directions. 



By R.H. is meant Right Rand. 

L .H. Left Hand. 

S , E . __._.. -_._- Second Entrance. 

tr.E. Upper Entrance. 

m.d. Middle Door. 

d.p. ...... Door in Flat. 

r.h.d. -- Right Hand Door. 

i.h.d. Left Hand Door. 



^rolofitie* 



Though modern prophets were expos'd of late, 
The author could not prophecy her fate ; 
If with such scenes an audience had been fir'd, 
The poet must have really been inspir'd. 
But these, alas! are melancholy days 
For modern prophets and for modern plays : 
Yet since prophetic lies please fools o'fashion, 
And women are so fond of agitation, 
To men of sense I'll prophecy anew ; 
And tell you wondrous things that will prove true. 
Undaunted col'nels will to camps repair, 
Assur'd there'll be no skirmishes this year ; 
On our own terms will flow the wish'd-for peace, 
All wars, except 'twixt man and wife, will cease ; 
The Grand Monarque may wish his son a throne, 
But hardly will advance to lose his own. 
This season most things bear a smiling face, 
But play'rs in summer have a dismal case, 
Since your appearance only is our act of grace. 
Court ladies will to country seats be gone, 
My lord can't all the year live great in town ; 
Where, wanting op'ras, basset, and a play, 
They'll sigh and stitch a gown to pass the time away 
Gay city wives at Tunbridge will appear, 
Whose husbands long have labouv'd for an heir. 



8 PROLOGUE. 

Where many a courtier may their wants relieve, 

But by the waters only they conceive : 

The Fleet-street sempstress — toast of Temple sparks, 

That runs spruce neckcloths for attorney's clerks. 

At Cupid's gardens will her hours regale, 

Sing "fair Dorinda," and drink bottled ale ! 

At all assemblies rakes are up and down, 

And gamesters where they think they are not known, 

Should I denounce our author's fate to-day, 
To cry down prophecies you'd damn the play : 
Yet whims like these have sometimes made you laugh 
"Tis tattling all, like Isaac Bickerstaff. 

Since war and places claim the bards that write, 
Be kind, and bear a woman's treat to-night ; 
Let your indulgence all her fears allay, 
And none but women-haters damn this play. 



(gostumr. 



SIR GEORGE AIRY. 

Superfine brown cloth dress coat trimmed with silver frogs, white 
waistcoat and breeches, arm hat, and blue great coat. 

SIR FRANCIS GRIPE. 
Spotted velvet coat and breeches, buff silk waistcoat, cock'd hat, gold 
loop, and gold headed cane. 

CHARLES. 

Blue dress coat, white waistcoat, black breeches. Second Dress, 
Brown Spanish jacket, breeches and cloak of green silk, boots, gauntlets. 
hat, feathers, &e. Green silk stockings. 

SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK. 
An old gentleman's suit of crimson, cock'd hat, &c. 

MARPLOT. 
Green dress coat, gold buttons and frogs, white waistcoat and breeches, 
arm hat. 

WHISPER. 
Blue livery frock, one Epaulette, buff waistcoat and breeches, Hal 
and band. 

WAITER. 

Modern dress. 

4 SERVANTS. 
Gay liveries. 

MIRANDA. 
White satin spencer, muslin skirt, leno veil. Second Dress— Crim sow 
velvet body, white petticoat trimmed with velvet. 

ISABINDA. 
White muslin dress trimmed with white satin ribbon. 

PATCH. 
Smart coloured gown, white apron trimmed with ribbon. 

SCENTWELL. 
Coloured gown. 

2* 



UtttHmft a&qjrcscutefc. 



As originally acted, 1709. 

Sir George Airy - - - - Mr- Wilkes. 

Sir Francis Gripe - - - - Mr. r st court. 

Charles - - Mr. Mills. 

Sir Jealous Traffick - - - Mr. Bullock. 

Marplot Mr. Pack. 

Whisper Mr. Bullock, jun. 

Miranda ------- Mrs Cross. 

Isabinda ------- Mrs. Rogers* 

Patch --- Mrs Saunders. 

Scentivell ------- Mrs. Mills. 



1818. 
Drury-lanc. 

Sir George Airy Mr. Penley. 

Sir Francis Gripe Mr. Dowton. 

Charles *>'r. Barnard. 

Sir Jealous Traffick Mr. Gattie. 

Marplot Mr. Harley. 

Whisper- Mr. Kent. 

Miranda Mrs. Davison. 

Isabinda Mrs. Orger. 

Patch Mrs. Harlow. 

Scentwell Miss Tidswell. 



THE BUSY BODY- 



act i. 

SCENE I.— The Park. 

Enter Sir George Airy, r.h. meeting Charles, l.h. 

Charles. Ha ! sir George Airy a birding thus 
early ! What forbidden game rous'd you so soon ? 
for no lawful occasion could invite a person of 
your figure abroad at such unfashionable hours. 

Sir G. There are some men, Charles, whom 
fortune has left free from inquietudes, who are 
diligently studious to find out ways and means to 
make themselves uneasy. 

Charles. Is it possible that any thing in nature 
can ruffle the temper of a man whom the four 
seasons of the year compliment with as many 
thousand pounds ; nay, and a father at rest with 
his ancestors 1 

Sir G. Why, there it is now ! a man that 
wants money thinks none can be unhappy that 
has it ; but my affairs are in such a whimsical 
posture, that it will require a calculation of my 
nativity to find if my gold will relieye me or not 



12 THE BUSY BODY. 

Charles. Ha, ha, ha ! never consult the stars 
about that ; gold has a power beyond them. 
Then what can thy business be that gold won't 
serve thee in ? 
Sir G. Why I'm in love. 

Charles. In love ! — Ha, ha, ha, ha ! in love ! — 
Ha, ha, ha, ha ! with what, pr'ythee ? a cherubin ? 
Sir G. No ; with a woman. 
Charles. A woman ! good. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
and gold not help thee ? 

Sir G. But suppose I'm in love with two 

Charles. Ay, if thou'rt in love with two hun- 
dred, gold will fetch 'em, 1 warrant thee, boy. 
But who are they ? who are they ? come. 

Sir G. One is a lady whose face 1 never saw, 
but witty to a miracle ; the other beautiful as 
Venus — 

Charles. And a fool — 

Sir G. For aught I know, for I never spoke 
to her ; but you can inform me. I am charm'd 
by the wit of the one, and die for the beauty of 
the other. 

Charles. And pray which are you in quest of 
bow 1 

Sir G. I prefer the sensual pleasure ; I'm for 
her I've seen, who is thy father's ward, Miranda. 
Charles, Nay, then 1 pity you ; for the Jew, 
my father, will no more part with her and thirty 
thousand pounds than he would with a guinea to 
keep me from starving. 

Sir G. Now you see gold can't do every 
thing, Charles. 

Charles, Yes ; for 'tis her gold that bars my 
father's gate against ypu. 



THE BUSY BODY. 13 

Sir G. Why, if he be this avaricious wretch, 
how cam'st thou by such a liberal education ? 

Charles. Not a souse out of his pocket, I 
assure you : I had an uncle who defray'd that 
charge ! but for some little wildness of youth, 
though he made me his heir, left dad my 
guardian till I came to years of discretion, which 
1 presume the old gentleman will never think I 
am ; and now he has got the estate into his 
clutches, it does me no more good than if it lay 
in Prester John's dominions. 

Sir G. What, canst thou find no stratagem to 
redeem it ? 

Charles. I have made many essays to no pur- 
pose ; though want, the mistress of invention, 
still tempts me on, yet still the old fox is too 
cunning for me. — I am upon my last project, 
which if it fails, then for my last refuge, a 
brown musket. 

Sir G. What is't ? can I assist thee ? 

Charles. Not yet ; when you can, I have 
confidence enough in you to ask it. 

Sir G. I am always ready. But what does he 
intend to do with Miranda ? Is she to be sold in 
private, or will he put her up by way of auction, 
at who bids most? If so, 'egad I'm for him ; my 
gold, as you say, shall be subservient to my 
pleasure. 

Charles. To deal ingenuously with you, sir 
George, I know very little of her or home ; 
for since my uncle's death, and my return from 
travel, 1 have never been well with my father ; 
he thinks my expenses too great, and I his 



14 THE BUSY BODY. 

allowance too little ; he never sees me but he 
quarrels, and to avoid that I shun his house as 
much as possible. The report is he intends to 
marry her himself. 

Sir G. Can she consent to it ? 

Charles. Yes faith, so they say : but I tell you 
I am wholly ignorant of the matter. I fancy 
she plays the mother-in-law already, and sets 
the old gentleman on to do mischief. 

Sir G. Then I have your free consent to get 
her? 

Charles. Ay, and my helping hand, if occasion 
be. 

Sir G. Poh ! yonder's a fool coming this way ; 
let's avoid him. 

Charles. What, Marplot ? No, no, he's my 
instrument ; there's a thousand conveniences in 
him ; he'll lend me his money, when he has 
any, run of my errands and be proud on it ; in 
short he'll pimp for me, lie for me, drink for 
me, do any thing but fight for me ; and that I 
trust to my own arm for. 

Sjir G. Nay, then he's to be endured ; I never 
knew his qualifications before. [Turns up the stage.) 

Enter Marlplot, l.h. with a Patch across his Face. 

Mar. Dear Charles, your's — Ha ! sir George 
Airy ! the man in the world I have an ambition 
to be known to ! (Aside.) Give me thy hand dear 
boy. (To Charles.) 

Charles. A good assurance ! But harkye, how 
came your beautiful countenance clouded in the 
wrong place ? 



THE BUSY BODY. 15 

Mar. I must confess 'tis a little mal-a-propos ; 
but no matter for that. A word with you, 
Charles. Pr'ythee introduce me to sir George 
— he is a man of wit, and I'd give ten guineas 
to— . 

Charles. When you have 'em you mean. 
Mar. Ay, when I have 'em ; pugh, plague, 
you cut the thread of my discourse — I would 
give ten guineas, I say to be rank'd in his 
acquaintance. But, prythee, introduce me. 

Charles. Well, on condition you'll give us a 
true account how you came by that mourning 
nose, I will. 
Mar. I'll do it. 

Charles. Sir George, here's a gentleman has 
a passionate desire to kiss your hand. 

Sir G. {Advancing.) Oh ! I honour men of 
the sword ! and I presume this gentleman is 
lately come from Spain or Portugal — by his 
scars. 

Mar. (Crosses to centre.) No really, sir George, 
mine sprung from civil fury. Happening last 
night into the groom porter's — I had a strong 
inclination to go ten guineas with a sort of a, 
sort of a — kind of a milksop, as I thought. A 
plague of the dice ! he flung out, and my pockets 
being empty, as Charles knows they often are, 
he proved a surly North Briton, and broke my 
face for my deficiency. 

Sir G. Ha, ha ! and did not you draw ? 
Mar. Draw, sir ! why I did but lay my hand 
upon my sword to make a swift retreat, and he 
roared out, Now the deel a ma sal, sir, gin ye 



16 THE BUSY BODY. 

touch yer steel Ise whip mine through yer 
wem. [Crosses to l.h.) 

Sir G. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Charles. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Safe was the word. 
So you walk'd off, I suppose. 

Mar. Yes, for I avoid fighting, purely to he 
serviceable to my friends, you know — 

Sir G. Your friends are much obliged to you, 
sir: I hope you'll rank me in that number. 

Mar. Sir George, a bow from the side-box, 
or to be seen in your chariot, binds me ever 
your's. 

Sir G. Trifles ; you may command 'em when 
you please. 

Charles. Provided he may command you. 

Mar. Me ! why I live for no other purpose — 
(Crosses to centre.) — Sir George, I have the 
honour to be carressed by most of the reigning 
toasts of the town : I'll tell 'em you are the 
finest gentleman — 

Sir G. No, no, pr'ythee let me alone to tell 
the ladies — my parts — Can you convey a letter 
upon occasion, or deliver a message with an 
air of business, ha ? 

Mar. With the assurance of a page and the 
gravity of a statesman. 

Sir G. Ifou know Miranda? 

Mar. What ! my sister ward ? why, her guar- 
dian is mine; we are fellow sufferers. Ah, he 
is a covetous, cheating, sanctified curmudgeon : 
that sir Francis Gripe is a damn'd old —hypo- 
critical — 

Charles. Hold, hold ; I suppose, friend, you 
forget that he is my father. 



THE BUSY BODY. 17 

Mar. I ask your pardon, Charles, but it is for 
}'our sake 1 hate him. Well, I say, the world 
is mistaken in him ; his outside piety makes him 
every man's executor, and his inside cunning 
makes him every heir's gaoler. 'Egad, Charles, 
I'm half persuaded that thou'rt some ward too, 
and never of his getting — for never were too 
things so unlike as you and your father ; he 
scrapes up every thing, and thou spend'st every 
thing; every body is indebted to him, and thou 
art indebted to every body. 

Charles. You are very free, Mr. Marplot. 

Mar. Ay, I give and take, Charles — you may 
be as free with me, you know. 

Sir G. A pleasant fellow. 

Charles. The dog is diverting sometimes, or 
there would be no enduring his impertinence. 
He is pressing to be employed, and willing to 
execute ; but some ill fate generally attends all 
he undertakes, and he oftener spoils an intrigue 
than helps it. 

Mar. I have always your good word, but if I 
miscarry 'tis none of my fault ; I follow my 
instructions. 

Charles. Yes, witness the merchant's wife. 

Mar. Pish, poh ! that was an accident. 

Sir G. What was it, pr'ythee ? 

Mar. Nay, Charles, now don't expose your 
friend. 

Charles. Why, you must know I had lent a 

certain merchant my hunting horses, and was to 

have met his wife in his absence. Sending him 

along with my groom to make the compliment, 

3 



18 THE BUSY BODY. 

and to deliver a letter to the lady at the same 
time, vvhat does he do but gives the husband 
the letter and offers her the horses. 

Alar. Why, to be sure I did offer her the 
horses, and i remember you was even with me, 
for you denied the letter to be yours, and swore 
I had a design upon her, which my bones paid 
for. 

Charles. (Crosses to r.h.) Come, sir George, 
let's walk round if you are not engaged, for I 
have sent my man upon a little earnest business, 
and 1 have ordered him to bring me the answer 
into the Park. 

Alar. Business ! and I not know it ! 'Egad I'll 
watch him. (Aside.) 

Sir G. I must beg your pardon, Charles, I 
am to meet your father. 

Charles. My lather ! 

Sir G. Ay, and about the oddest bargain 
perhaps you ever heard of; but I'll not impart 
till I know the success. 

Mar. What can his business be with sir 
Francis ! Now would 1 give all the world to 
know it. Why the devil should not one know 
every man's concerns ! (Aside.) 

Charles. Prosperity to't, whate'er it be : I 
have private affairs too : over a bottle we'll 
compare notes. 

Mar Charles knows I love a glass as well as 
any man ; I'll make one ; shall it be to-night ? 
J long to know their secrets. (Aside.) 



THE BUSY BODY. 19 

Enter Whisper, r.h. 

Whis. Sir, sir, Mrs. Patch says Isabinda's Spa- 
nish father has quite spoiled the plot, and she 
can't meet you in the Park, but he infallibly 
will go out this afternoon, she says ; but I must 
step again to know the hour. 

Mar. What did Whisper say now ? I shall go 
stark mad if I'm not let into the secret. (Aside.) 

Charles. Curst misfortune ! 

Mar. Curst! what's curst, Charles? 

Charles. Come along with me, my heart feels 
pleasure at her name. Sir George, yours ; we'll 
meet at the old place, the usual hour. 

Sir G. (Crosses to l.h.) Agreed, I think I 
see sir Francis yonder. [Exit l.h. 

Charles. Marplot, you must excuse me ; i am 
engag'd. [Exit r.h. 

Mar. Engag'd! 'Egad, I'll engage my life I'll 
know what your engagement is. [Exit, r.h. 

Enter Miranda, r.h.u.e. 

Mir. Let the chair wait. My servant that 
dogg'd sir George said he was in the Park. 

Enter Patch, r.h. 

Ha ! miss Patch alone ! did not you tell me } r ou 
had contrived a way to bring Isabinda to the 
Park? 

Patch. Oh, madam, your ladyship can't, ima- 
gine what a wretched disappointment we have 



20 THE BUSY BODY. 

met with! Just as I had fetch'd a suit of my 
clothes for a disguise, comes my old master into 
his closet, which is right against her chamber 
door : this struck us into a terrible fright — at 
length I put on a grave face, and asked him if 
lie was at leisure for his chocolate ? in hopes to 
draw him out of his hole; but he snapp'd my 
nose off: " No, I shall be busy here these two 
hours." At which my poor mistress, seeing no 
way of escape, ordered me to wait on your lady- 
ship with the sad relation. 

Mir. Unhappy Isabinda ! was ever any thing 
so unaccountable as the humour of sir Jealous 
Traffick ? 

Patch, Oh, madam, it's his living so long in 
Spain ; he vows he'll spend half his estate but 
he'll be a parliament man, on purpose to bring 
in a bill for women to wear veils, and other 
odious Spanish customs — He swears it is the 
height of impudence to have a woman seen bare- 
faced even at church, and scarce believes there's 
a true begotten child in the city. 

Mir. Ha, ha, ha ! how the old fool torments 
himself! Suppose he could introduce his rigid 
rules — does he think we could not match them 
in contrivance ? No, no ; let the tyrant man 
make what laws he will, if there's a woman un- 
der the government, 1 warrant she finds a way 
to break 'em. Is his mind set upon the Spaniard 
for his son-in-law, still ? 

Patch. Ay, and he expects him by the next 
fleet, which drives his daughter to melancholy 
and despair. But madam, I find you retain the 



THE BUSY BODY. 21 

same gay, cheerful spirit you had when I waited 
on your ladyship^My lady is mighty good-hu- 
moured too, and 1 have found a way to make 
sir Jealous Ijelieve I am wholly in his interest, 
when my real design is to serve her : he makes 
me her gaoler, and I set her at liberty. 

Mir. I knew thy prolific brain would be of 
singular service to her, or I had not parted with 
thee to her father. 

Patch. But, madam, the report is that you are 
going to marry your guardian. 

Mir It is necessary such a report should be, 
Patch. 

Patch. But is it true, madam ? 

Mir. That's not absolutely necessary. 

Patch. I thought it was only the old strain, 
coaxing him still for your own, and railing at 
all the young fellows about town : in my mind 
now you are as ill plagu'd with your guardian, 
madam, as my lady is with her father. 

Mir. No, I have liberty wench ; that she 
wants : what would she give now to be in this 
dishabille in the open air, nay more, in pursuit 
of the young fellow she likes ? for that's my 
case, I assure you. 

Patch. As for that, madam, she's even with 
you; for though she can't come abroad, we 
have a way to bring him home in spite of old 
Argus. 

Mir. Now, Patch, your opinion of my choice, 
for here he comes — Ha ! my guardian with him ! 
what can be the meaning of this ? I'm sure sir 
3 * 



22 THE BUSY BODY. 

Francis can't know me in this dress. — Let's ob- 
serve 'em. r j(They withdraw.') 

Enter Sir Francis Gripe and Sir George 
Airy, l.h. 

Sir F. Verily, sir George, thou will repent 
throwing away thy money so, for I tell thee sin- 
cerely, Miranda, my charge, does not like a 
young fellow ; they are all vicious, and seldom 
make good husbands : in sober sadness she can- 
not abide 'em. 

Mir. (Peeping.) In sober sadness you are 
mistaken — What can this mean ? 

Sir G. Lookye, sir Francis, whether she can 
or cannot abide young fellows is not the busi- 
ness : will you take the fifty guineas? 

Sir F, In good truth I will not — for I knew 
thy father, he was a hearty wary man, and I 
cannot consent that his son should squander away 
what he saved to no purpose. 

Mir. (Peeping.) Now, in the name of wonder, 
what bargain can he be driving about me for fifty 
guineas ? 

Sir G. Well, sir Francis, since you are so con- 
scientious for my father's sake, then permit me 
the favour gratis. 

Sir F, No verily ; if thou dost not buy thy 
experience thou wilt never be wise ; therefore 
give me a hundred and try thy fortune. 

Sir G. The scruples arose, I find, from the 
scanty sum — Let me see — a hundred guineas — - 
(Takes the Money out of a Purse and clmiks it.) 



THE BUSY BODY. 23 

Ha ! they have a very pretty sound, and a very 
pleasing look — But then, xMiranda — but if she 
should be cruel — 

Sir F. Ay, do consider on't. He, he, he ! 

Sir G. No, I'll do't. Come, to the point; 
here's the gold ; sum up the conditions. — 

(Sir Francis pulls out a Paper.) 

Mir. (Peeping.) Ay, for heaven's sake do, for 
my expectation is on the rack. 

Sir F. Well, at your peril be it. 

Sir G. Ay, ay, go on. 

Sir F. Imprimis, you are to be admitted into 
my house in order to move your suit to Miran- 
da, for the space of ten minutes, without let 
or molestation, provided I remain in the same 
room 

Sir G. But out of ear-shot. 

Sir F. Well, well, 1 don't desire to hear what 
you say ; ha, ha, ha ! in consideration I am to 
have that purse and a hundred guineas. 

Sir G. Take it. (Gives him the Purse.) And 
this agreement is to be performed to-day. 

Sir F. Ay, ay ; the sooner the better. Poor 
fool ! how Miranda and I shall laugh at him ! 
(Aside.) — well sir George, ha, ha, ha ! take the 
last sound of your guineas, ha, ha, ha! 

[Chinks them. — Exit, r.h. 

Mir. (Peeping.) Sure he does not know I am 
Miranda. 

Sir G. A very extraordinary bargain I have 
made, truly ; if she should be really in love 
with this old cuff now— Pshaw ! that's morally 
impossible* — But then, what hopes have I to 
succeed ? I never spoke to her — 



24 THE BUSY BODY. 

Mir. [Peeping.) Say you so ? then I am safe. 

Sir G. What though my tongue never spoke, 
my eyes said a thousand things, and my hopes 
flattered me tier's answer 1 d 'em. If I'm lucky 
— if not, it is but a hundred guineas thrown 
away. [Mir. comes forward, r.h.) 

Mir. Upon what, sir George ? 

Sir G, Ha ! my incognita — upon a woman, 
madam. 

Mir. They are the worst things you can deal 
in, and damage the soonest ; your very breath 
destroys 'em, and I fear you'll never see your 
return, sir George, ha, ha ! 

Sir G. Were they more brittle than china, 
and dropped to pieces with a touch, every atom 
as her I have ventur'd at, if she is but mistress 
of thy wit, balances ten times the sum.-Pr'ythee, 
let me see thy face. 

Mir. By no means ; that may spoil your opi- 
nion of my sense — 

Sir G. Rather confirm it, madam. 

Patch, (l.h.) So rob the lady of your gallan- 
try, sir. 

Sir G. No child, a dish of chocolate in the 
morning never spoils my dinner : the other la- 
dy I design for a set meal ; so there's no dan- 
ger.— 

Mir. Matrimony ! ha, ha, ha ! what crimes 
have you committed against the god of love, 
that he should revenge 'em so severely, as to 
stamp husband on your forehead ? 

Sir G. For my folly in having so often met 
you here without pursuing the, laws of nature 



THE BUSY BODY. 25 

and exercising- her command ; [Patch crosses be- 
hind to r.h.) but I resolve ere we part now to 
know who you are, where you live, what kind 
of flesh and blood your face is; therefore un- 
mask, and don't put me to the trouble of doing 
it for you. 

Mir. My face is the same flesh and blood with 
my hand, sir George ; which if you'll be so rude 
to provoke — 

Sir G. You'll apply it to my cheek — the la- 
dies' favours are always welcome, but 1 must 
have that cloud withdrawn. (Taking hold of 
her.) Remember you are in the Park, child ; 
and what a terrible thing would it be to lose 
this pretty white hand ! 

Mir. And how it will sound in a chocolate - 
house, that sir George Airy rudely pulled off a 
lady's mask, when he had given her his honour 
that he never would directly or indirectly, en- 
deavour to know her till she gave him leave ? 

Sir G. But if that lady thinks fit to pursue 
and meet me at every turn, like some troubled 
spirit, shall I be blamed if I inquire into the 
reality ? I would have nothing dissatisfied in a 
female shape. 

Mir. What shall I do? (Pauses.) 

Sir G. Ay, pr'ythee, consider, for thou shaft 
find me very much at thy service. 

Patch. Suppose, sir, the lady should be. in 
love with you. 

Sir G. Oh ! I'll return the obligation in a mo- 
ment. 

Patch. And marry her? 



26 THE BUSY BODY. 

-Sir G. Ha, ha, ha ! that's not the way to love 
her, child. 

Mir. If he discovers me I 9hall die Which 

way shall I escape? — let me see. (Pauses.) 

Sir G. Well, madam — 

Mir. I have it — Sir George, 'tis fit you should 
allow something; if you'll excuse my face, and 
turn your back (if you look upon me I shall 
sink, even masked as 1 am,) I will confess why 
I have engaged you so often, who I am, and 
where I live. 

Sir G. Well to show you I am a man of ho- 
nour, I accept the conditions: let me but once 
know those, and the face wont be long a secret 
to me. 

Patch. What mean you, madam? 

{Aside to Mir.) 

Mir. To get off. {Aside to Patch.) 

Sir G. 'Tis something indecent to turn one's 
back upon a lady ; but you command, and I 
obey. (Turns his back) Come, madam, begin — 

Mir. First, then, it was my unhappy lot to see 
you at Paris (Draws back a little way, and speaks.) 
at a ball upon a birth-day ; your shape and air 
charm'd my eyes, your wit and complaisance my 
soul, and from that fatal night 1 lov'd you. 

(Drawing back.) 

And when you left the place, grief seiz'd me 
so, [know ; 

Nor rest my heart nor sleep my eyes could 
Last I resolv'd a hazardous point to try, 
And quit the place in search of liberty. 

[Exit, r.h. followed by Patch. 



THE BUSY BODY. 27 

Sir G. Excellent — I hope she's handsome — 
Well now, madam, to the two other things, your 
name, and where you live — I am a gentleman, 
and this confession will not be lost upon me — 
Nay, pr'ythee, don't weep, but go on, for I find 
my heart melts in thy behalf — Speak quickly, 
or I shall turn about — Not yet -Poor lady ! she 
( expects I should comfort her, and to do her jus- 
tice, she has said enough to encourage me. 
{Turns about.) Ha ! gone ! the devil ! jilted ! 
Why, what a tale she has invented — of Paris, 
balls, and birth days ! — 'Egad, I'd give ten gui- 
neas to know who the gipsy is— A curse of my 
folly — I deserve to lose her. What woman 
can forgive a man that turns his back ! 

The bold and resolute in love and war 
To conquer take the right and swiftest way : 
The boldest lover soonest gains the fair, 
As courage makes the rudest force obey : 
Take no denial, and the dames adore ye ; 
Closely pursue them, and they fall before ye. 

[Exit, L.H. 

END OF ACT I. 



28 THE BUSY BODY. 



ACT II. 



SCENE I. — A Room in Sir Francis Gripe's 
House. 

Enter Sir Francis Gripe and Miranda, l.h. 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Mir. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh ! I shall die with 
laughing, — the most romantic adventure — Ha, 
ha, ha ! what does the odious young fop mean ? 
A hundred pieces to talk ten minutes with me! 
ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir F. And I am to be by too, there's the 
jest ; adad, if* it had been in private I should not 
have card to trust the young dog. 

Mir. Indeed and indeed but you might, Gardy 
— Now methinks there's nobody handsomer than 
you : so neac. so clean, so good-humoured, and 
so loving — 

Sir F. Pretty rogue, pretty rogue ! and so 
thou shalt find me, if thou dost prefer thy Gar- 
dy before these caperers of the age : thou shalt 
outshine the queen's box on an opera night ; 
thou shalt be the envy of the ring (for I will 
carry thee to Kyde-pnrk,) and thy equipage 
shall surpass the — what d'ye call 'em ambassa- 
dor's. 

Mir. Nay, I am sure the discreet part of my 
sex will envy me more for the inside furniture, 
when you are in it, than my outside equipage. 

Sir F. A cunning baggage, i'faith thou art. 



THE BUSY BODY. 29 

and a wise one too ! and to show thee that thou 
hast not chose amiss, I'll this moment disinherit 
my son, and settle my whole estate upon thee. 

Mir. There's an old rogue now. [Aside.) No 
Gardy, I would not have your name be so black 
in the world — You know my fathers will runs 
that I am not to possess my estate, without your 
consent, till I am five-arid-twenty ; you shall 
only abate the odd seven years, and make me 
mistress of my estate to-day, and I'll make you 
master of my person to-morrow. 

Sir F. Humph ! that may not be safe — No, 
Chargy, I'll settle it upon thee for pin-money, 
and that will be every bit as well, thou know'st. 

Mir. Unconscionable old wretch ! bribe me 
with my own money ! — Which way shall I get 
out of his hands? [Aside.) 

Sir F. Well, what art thou thinking on, my 
girl, ha ? how to banter sir George ? 

Mir. I must not pretend to banter; he knows 
my tongue too well. {Aside.) No, Gardy, I have 
thought of a way will confound him more than 
all I could say, if 1 could talk to him seven years. 

Sir F. How's that? oh! I'm transported, I'm 
ravish'd, I'm mad — 

Mir. It would make you mad if you knew all. 
(Aside.) I'll not answer him a word, but be 
dumb to all he says. 

Sir F. Dumb ! good ; ha, ha, ha ! Excellent ! 
ha, ha, ha, ha ! I think 1 have you now, sir 
George. Dumb ! he'll go distracted — well, 
she's the wittiest rogue. — Ha, ha, dumb ! I can't 
but laugh, ha, ha ! to think how damn'd mad 
1 



30 THE BUSY BODY. 

he'll be when he finds he has given his money 
away for a dumb show ! ha, ha, ha I 

Mir. Nay, Gardy, if he did but know my 
thoughts of him it would make him ten times 
madder ; ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir F. Ay, so it would, Chargy, to hold him in 
such derision, to scorn to answer him, to be 
dumb ; ha, ha, ha ! 

Enter Charles, l.h. 

Sir F. How now, sirrah ! who let you in ? 

Charles. My necessities, sir. 

Sir F. Your necessities are very impertinent, 
and ought to have sent before they enter'd. 

Charles. Sir, 1 knew 'twas a word would gain 
admittance no where. 

Sir F. Then, sirrah, how durst you rudely 
thrust that upon your father, which nobodj' else 
would admit ? 

Charles. Sure the name of a son is a sufficient 
plea ; I ask this lady's pardon, if I have intrud- 
ed. 

Sir F. Ay, ay, ask her pardon and her blessing 
too, if you expect any thing from me. 

Mir. I believe your's, sir Francis, and a purse 
of guineas, would be more material. Your son 
may have business with you; I'll retire. 

Sir F. I guess his business, but I'll despatch 
him ; I expect the knight every minute : you'll 
be in readiness ? 

Mir. Certainly. My expectation is more up- 
on the wing than yours, old gentleman. 

[Aside, and Exit, r.h. 



THE BUSY BODY. 31 

Sir F. Well, sir. 

Charles. Nay, it is very ill, sir; rny circum- 
stances are, I'm sure. 

Sir F. And whafs that to me, sir ? your ma- 
nagement should have made 'em better. 

Charles. If you please to intrust me with the 
management of my estate I shall endeavour it, 
sir. 

Sir F. What, to set upon a card, and buy a 
lady's favour at the price of a thousand pieces, 
to rig out an equipage for a wench, or by your 
carelessness to enrich your steward to tine for 
sheriff, or put up for a parliament man ? 

Charles. I hope I should not spend it this 
way : however 1 ask only for what my uncle 
left me ; yours you may dispose of as you please, 
sir. -s 

Sir F. That I shall, out of your reach,*! as- 
sure you, sir. Adad, these young fellows think 
old men get estates for nothing but them to 
squander away in dicing, wenching, drinking, 
dressing, and so forth. 

Charles. I think I was born a gentleman, sir ; 
I'm sure my uncle bred me like one. 

Sir F. From which you would infer, sir, that 
gaming and wenching are requisites for a gen- 
tleman. 

Charles. Monstrous ! when I should ask him 
only for a support he falls into these unmanner- 
ly reproaches. 1 must though against my will, 
employ invention, and by stratagem relieve my- 
self. [Aside.) 

Sir F. Sirrah, what is it you mutter, sirrah^ 



32 THE BUSY BODY. 

ha? (Holds up his Cane.) I say you shan't have 
a groat out of my hands till I please — and may 
be I'll never please ; and what's that to you ? 

Charles. Nay, to be robb'd or have one's 
throat cut is not much — (Crosses to r.h.) 

Sir F. What's that, sirrah ? would you rob me 
or cut my throat, you rogue ? 

Charles. Heaven forbid, sir ! — I said no such 
thing. 

Sir F. Mercy on me ! what a plague it is to 
have a son of one-and twenty, who wants to el- 
bow one out of one's life to edge himself into 
the estate ! 

Enter Marplot, l.h. 

Mar. 'Egad he's here — I was afraid I had lost 
him : his secret could not be with his father ; 
his wants are public there. — Guardian, your ser- 
vant — O Charles, are you there ? I know by 
that sorrowful countenance of thine, the old 
man's fist is as close as his strong box — But I'll 
help thee. (Aside.) 

Sir F. So ! here's another extravagant cox- 
comb that will spend his fortune before he 
comes to't, but he shall pay swinging interest, 
and so let the fool go on. — Well, what does ne- 
cessity bring }'ou too, sir ? 

Mar. You have hit it, Guardian — (Crosses to 
centre.) I want a hundred pounds. 

Sir, F. For what ? 

Mar. Pugh ! for a hundred things ; I can't for 
my life tell you for what. 



THE BUSY BODY. 33 

'Charles. Sir, 1 suppose I have received all the 
answer 1 am like to have ? 

Mar. Oh, the devil ! if he gets out before me 
I shall lose him again. {Aside.) 

Sir F. Ay, sir, and you may be marching as 
soon as you please — I must see a change in your 
temper, ere you find one in mine. 

Mar. Pray, sir, dispatch me ; the money, sir; 
I'm in mighty haste. 

Sir F. Fool, take this and go to the cashier. 
I shan't be long plagu'd with thee. 

(Gives him a note.) 

Mar. Devil take the cashier ! (Crosses to r.ii.) 
I shall certainly have Charles gone before I 
come back. [Exit, r.h. running. 

Charles. Weil, sir, I take my leave — but re- 
men, sr you expose an only son to all the mise- 
ries of wretched poverty, which too often lays 
the pian for scenes of mischief. 

Sir F. Stay, Charles I have a sudden thought 
come into my head which may prove to thy ad- 
vantage. 

Charles. Ha ! does he relent ? 

Sir F. My lady Wrinkle, worth forty thou- 
sand pounds, sets up for a handsome young hus- 
band ; she prais'd thee t'other day ; though the 
match-makers can get twenty guineas for a sight 
of her, I c:m introduce thee for nothing. 

Charles. My lady Wrinkle, sir! why, she has 
but one eye. 

Sir F. Then she'll see but half your extrava- 
gance, sir. 

Charles. Condemn me to such a piece of de 
a * 



34 THE BUSY BODY. 

formity ! a toothless, dirty, wry-neck'd, hunch- 
back'd hag! 

Sir F. Hunch-back'd! so much the better! 
then she has a rest for her misfortunes, for thou 
wilt load her swingingly. Now, I warrant, you 
think this is no offer of a father ; forty thousand 
pounds is nothing with you. 

Charles. Yes, sir, I think it too much ; a young 
beautiful woman with half the money would be 
more agreeable. — I thank you, sir ; but you 
choose better for yourself, I find. 

Sir F. Out of my doors, you dog ! you pre- 
tend to meddle with my marriage, sirrah ! 

Charles. Sir, I obey you, but — 

Sir F. But me no buts — be gone, sir ! dare to 
ask me for money again — refuse forty thousand 
pounds ! Out of my doors, 1 say, without reply. 

[Exit Charles, l.h. 

Enter Marplot, 

Mar. Ha ! gone ! is Charles gone, Gardy ? 

Sir F. Yes, and I desire your wise worship to 
walk after him. 

Mar. Nay, 'egad I shall run, I tell you that. 
A plague of the cashier for detaining me so 
long ! Where the devil shall I find him now ? I 
shall certainly lose this secret, and I had rather 
by half lose my money — Where shall 1 find him 
now — D'ye know where Charles is gone, Gar- 
dy ? 

Sir F. Gone to the devil, and you may go af- 
ter him. 



THE BUSY BODY. 35 

Mar. Ay, that I will as fast as I can. (Going 
returns.) Have you any commands there, Gar- 
dy ? [Exit, l.h. 

Sir F. What, is the fellow distracted ? 

Enter Servant, l.h. 

Servant. Sir George Airy inquires for you, sir- 

Sir F. Desire sir George to walk up. — [Exit 

Servant, l.h.] Now for a trial of skill that will 

make me happy and him a fool. Ha, ha, ha ! 

In my mind he looks like an ass already. 

Ener Sir George Airy, l.h. 

Well, sir George, do you hold in the same mind, 
or would you capitulate ? ha, ha, ha ! Look, 
here are the guineas ; (Chinks them.) ha, ha, 
ha! 

Sir G. Not if they were twice the sum, sir 
Francis; therefore be brief, call in the lady, and 
take your post. 

Sir F. Agreed. Miranda ! [Exit, r.h. 

Sir G. If she's a woman, and not seduc'd by 
witchcraft, to this old rogue, I'll make his heart 
ache ; for if she has but one grain of inclination 
about her, I'll vary a thousand shapes but find 
it. 

Re-enter Sir Francis Gripe and Miranda, r.h. 

Sir G. So from the eastern chambers breaks 
the sun, Dispels the clouds, and gilds the vales 
below. (Salutes her.) 



3G THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir F. Hold, sir ; kissing was not in our agree- 
ment. 

Sir G. Oh ! that's by way of prologue. Pr'ythee, 
old Mammon, to thy post. 

Sir F. [Takes out his watch.) Well, young Ti- 
mon, 'tis now four exactly ; ten minutes, remem- 
ber, is your utmost limit; not a minute more. 

[Retires to the Bottom of the Stage.) 

SirG. Madam, whether you'll excuse or blame 
my love, the author of this rash proceeding de- 
pends upon your pleasure, as also the life of your 
admirer ; your sparkling eyes speak a heart sus- 
ceptible of love, your vivacity a soul too delicate 
to admit the embraces of decayed mortality. 
Shake off this tyrant guardian's yoke ; assume 
yourself, and dash his bold, aspiring hopes. The 
deity of his desires is avarice, a heretic in love, 
and ought to be banished by the queen of beau- 
ty. [Kneels.) See, madam, a faithful servant 
kneels, and begs to be admitted in the number of 
your slaves. 

[Miranda gives him lu r Hand to raise him.) 

Sir F. [Running up.) Hold, hold, hold ! no 
palming ; that's contrary to articles — 

Sir G. 'Sdeath, sir, keep your distance, or I'll 
write another article in your guts. 

[Lays his Hand to his Sword.) 

Sir F. [Going back.) \ bloody minded fellow ! 

Sir G. Not answer me ! perhaps she thinks 
my address too grave : I'll be more free. [Aside.) 
Can you be so unconscionable, madam, to let me 
say all these fine things to you without one single 
compliment in return ? 



THE BUSY BODY. 37 

Sir F. (Running up with his Watch in his hand.) 
There's five of the ten minutes gone, sir George 
— A dad, I don't like those close conferences — 

Sir G. More interruptions — you will have it, 
sir ! {L a y s h™ Hand to his Szvoi^d.) 

Sir F. (Going back.) No, no; you shan't have 
her neither. (Aside.) 

Sir G. Dumb still — sure this old dog has en- 
join'd her silence. I'll try another way. (Aside.) 
Madam these few minutes cost me an hundred 
pounds — and would you answer me, I could pur- 
chase the whole day so. However, madam, 
you must give me leave to make the best inter- 
pretation I can for my money, and take the indi- 
cation of your silence for the secret liking of my 
person ; therefore, madam, I will instruct you 
how to keep your word inviolate to sir Francis, 
and yet answer me to every question : as for ex- 
ample, when I ask any thing to which you would 
reply in the affirmative, gently nod your head 
thus, (Nods.) and when in the negative, thus, 
(Shakes his head.) and in the doubtful, a tender 
sigh thus. (Sighs.) 

Mir. How every action charms me — but I'll 
fit him for signs, I warrant him. (Aside.) 

Sir G. Was it by his desire that you are dumb, 
madam, to all I can say ? (Miranda nods.) Very 
well, she's tractable, I find ! (Aside.) And is it 
possible that you can love him ? (Miranda nods.) 
Miraculous ! Pardon the bluntness of my ques- 
tions, for my time is short. May I not hope to 
supplant him in your esteem ? (Miranda sighs.) 
Good ! she answers me as I could wish. (Aside.) 



33 THE BUSY BODY. 

You'll not consent to marry him then ? [Miranda 
sighs.) How ! doubtful in that ? — Undone again 
— humph ! but that may proceed from his power 
to keep her out of her estate 'till twenty-tive : 
FI1 try that. (Aside.) Come, madam, I cannot 
think you hesitate in this affair out of any motive 
but your fortune — let him keep it till those few 
years are expired ; make me happy with your 
person, let him enjoy your wealth. (Miranda 
holds up her Hands.) Why, what sign is that now ? 
Nay, nay, madam, except you observe my les- 
son can't 01 derstand your meaning. 

Sir F. \\ hat a vengeance ! are they talking 
by signs ? 'Ad, I may be fooTd here. (Aside.) 
\\ hat do you mean, sir George ? 

Sir G. To cut your throat, if you dare mutter 
another syllable. 

Sir F. 'Od, I wish he were fairly out of my 
house. (Aside.) 

Sir G. Pra}', madam, will you answer me to 
the purpose 1 (Miranda shakes her Head, and 
points to Sir Francis.) What does she mean ? 
She won't answer me to the purpose, or is she 
afraid yon' old cuff should understand her signs? 
— ay, it must be that. (Aside.) I perceive ma- 
dam, you are too apprehensive of the promise 
you have made to follow my rules, therefore I'll 
suppose your mind, and answer for you. — First 
for myself, madam; " that I am in love with 
you is an infallible truth." Now for you. 
(Turns on her side.) "Indeed, sir ! and may I 
believe it ?" — t% As certainly, madam, as that 'tis 
daylight, or that I die if you persist in silence." 



THE BUSY BODY. 39 

— " Bless me with the music of your voice, and 
raise my spirits to their proper heaven. {Kneels.) 
Thus low let me entreat ere I'm obliged to quit 
this place ; grant me some token of a favourable 
reception to keep my hopes alive." {Arises 
hastily, and turns on her side.) " Rise, sir, and 
since my guardian's presence will not allow me 
privilege of tongue, read that, and rest assur'd 
you are not indifferent to me." [Offers her a let- 
ter, she strikes it dozen.) Ha, right woman ! but 
no matter : I'll go on. 

SirF. Ha! what's that? a letter !— Ha, ha, 
ha ! thou art balk'd. 

Sir G. Ha ! a letter ! oh ! let me kiss it with 
the same raptures that I would do the dear hand 
that touchM it. (Opens it.) Now for a quick 
fancy, and a long extempore. (Aside.) 

SirF, (Coming vp hastily.) The time is ex- 
pired, sir, and you must take your leave. There, 
my girl, there's the hundred pounds which thou 
hast won. Go ; I'll be with you presently ; ha, 
ha, ha, ha ! 

[Exit Miranda, r.h. 

Sir G. Adsheart, madam, you won't leave me 
just in the nick, will you ? 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! she has nick'd you, sir 
George, I think ! ha, ha, ha ! Have, you any 
more hundred pounds to throw away upon court- 
ship? ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir G. He, he, he, he! A curse of your fleer- 
ing jests ! — Yet, however ill I have succeeded, 
I'll venture the same wager she does not value 
thee a spoonful of snuff — nay more, though you 



40 THE BUSY BODY. 

enjoin'd her silence to me, you'll never make 
her speak to the purpose with yourself. 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! Did I not tell thee thou 
would'st repent thy money ? Did I not say she 
hated young fellows ? ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir G. And I'm positive she's not in love 
with age. 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! no matter for that, ha, ha ! 
She's not taken with your youth, nor your rhe- 
toric to boot ; ha, ha ! 

Sir G. Whate'er her reasons are for disliking 
of me, I am certain she can be taken with 
nothing about thee. 

SirF. Ha, ha, ha ! how he swells with envy — 
Poor man ! poor man ! ha, ha, ha ! 1 must beg your 
pardon, sir George ; Miranda will be impatient to 
have her share of mirth. Verily we shall laugh 
at thee most egregiously ; ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir G. With all my heart, faith — I shall laugh 
in my turn too — for if you dare marry her, old 
Belzebub, you will be cuckolded most egregious- 
ly : remember that, and tremble. 

[Exeunt^ Sir G. l.h. Sir F. r.h. 

SCENE II.— Sir Jealous TrafficVs House. 

Enter Sir Jealous Traffick, Isabinda, and 
Patch , l.h. 

iStr J. What, in the balcony again, notwith- 
standing my positive commands to the contrary ? 
— Why don't you write a bill on your forehead 
to show passengers there's something to be 
let? 



THE BUSY BODY. 41 

Isa. What harm can there be in a little fresh 
air, sir? 

Sir J. Is your constitution so hot, mistress, 
that it wants cooling, ha ? Apply the virtuous 
Spanish rules ; banish your taste and thoughts of 
flesh, feed upon roots, and quench your thirst 
with water. 

Isa. That, and a close room, would certainly 
make me die of the vapours. 

Sir J. No, mistress, 'tis your high-fed, lusty, 
rambling, ram pant ladies — that are troubled with 
the vapours : 'tis your ratafia, persico, cinnamon, 
citron, and spirit of clara, cause such swimming 
in the brain, that carries many a guinea full tide 
to the doctor : but you are not to be bred this 
way : no galloping abroad, no receiving visits at 
home, for in our loose country the women are 
as dangerous as the men. 

Patch. So I told her, sir, and that it was not 
decent to be seen in a balcony — but she threa- 
tened to slap my chops, and told me I was her 
servant, not her governess. 

Sir J. Did she so? but I'll make her to know 
that you are her duenna. Oh, that incompnra- 
ble custom of Spain ! Why, here's no depending 
upon old women in my country — for they are as 
wanton at eighty as a girl of eighteen ; and a 
man may as safely trust to Asgil's translation, as 
to his great grandmother's not marrying again. 

Isa. Or to the Spanish ladies' veils and duennas 
for the safeguard of their honour. 

Sir J. Dare to ridicule the cautious conduct 
5 



42 THE BUSY BODY. 

of that wise nation, and I'll have you lock'd up 
this fortnight, without a peep-hole. 

Isa. If we had but the ghostly helps in Eng- 
land which they have in Spain, I might deceive 
you if you did — Let me tell you, sir, confine- 
ment sharpens the invention, as want of sight 
strengthens the other senses, and is often more 
pernicious than the recreation that innocent 
liberty allows. 

Sir J. Say you so, mistress ! who the devil 
taught you the art of reasoning ? I assure you 
they must have a greater faith than I pretend to, 
that can think any woman innocent who requires 
liberty ; therefore, Patch, to your charge I give 
her; lock her up till I come back from 'Change. 
I shall have some sauntering coxcomb with no- 
thing but a red coat and a feather, think by 
leaping into her arms to leap into my estate — 
but I'll prevent them ; she shall be only signior 
Babinetto's. 

Patch, Really, sir, I wish you would employ 
any body else in this affair ; 1 lead a life like a 
dog in obeying your commands. Come, madam, 
will you be locked up? 

Isa. Ay, to enjoy more freedom than he is 
aware of. [Aside. — Exit with Patch, l.h. 

Sir J. I believe this wench is very true to my 
interest: I am happy I met with her, if I can but 
keep my daughter from being blown upon till 
signior Babinetto arrives, who shall marry her 
as soon as he comes, and carry her to Spain as 
soon as he has married her. She has a pregnant 
wit, and I'd no more have her an English wife 
than the grand signior^s mistress. [Exit, r.h. 



THE BUSY BODY. 43 

SCENE III.— Outside of Sir Jealous Trqffick' } s 
House. 

(Sir /. comes from his house, looks about — then 

Exit, R.H. 

Enter Whisper, r.h.u.e. 

Whis. So, there goes sir Jealous : where shall 
I find Mrs. Patch, now ? 

Enter Patch, l.ii.d. 

Patch. Oh, Mr. Whisper! my lady saw you 
out of the window, and order'd me to bid you fly 
and let your master know she's now alone. 

Whis. Hush ! speak softly ! I go, I go ! But 
harkye, Mrs. Patch, shall not you and I have a 
little confabulation, when my master and your 
lad}' are engag'd ? 

Patch. Ay, ay; farewell. (Goes in and shuts 
the Door. Whisper peeps after her through the Key- 
hole.) 

Re-enter Sir Jealous Traffick, r.h. meeting 
Whisper. 

Sir J. Sure, whilst I was talking with Mr. 
Tradewell, I heard my door clap. (Seeing Whis- 
per,) Ha ! a man lurking about my house ! Who 
do you want there, sir ? 

Whis. Want — want — a plague ! Sir Jealous * 
What must I say now ? (Aside.) 



44 THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir J. Ay, want ! Have you a letter or message 
for any body there ? — O'my conscience, this 
is some he bawd — 

Whis. Letter or message, sir ? 

Sir J. Ay, letter or message, sir ? 

Whis. No, not I, sir. 

Sir J. Sirrah, sirrah ! I'll have you set in the 
stocks if you don't tell your business immediately. 

Whis. Nay, sir, my business — is no great mat- 
ter of business neither, and yet 'tis business of 
consequence too. 

Sir J. Sirrah, don't trifle with me. 

Whis. Trifle, sir ! have you found him, sir ? 

Sir J. Found what, you rascal ? 

Whis. Why, Trifle is the very lapdog my 
lady lost, sir ; 1 fancied I saw him run into this 
house. I'm glad you have him — Sir, my lady 
will be overjoy'd that I have found him. 

Sir J. Who is your lady, friend ? 

Whis. My lady Lovepuppy, sir. 

Sir J. My lady Lovepuppy, sir ! then pr'ythee 
carry thyself to her, for I know of no other 
whelp that belongs to her; and let me catch 
you no more puppy-hunting about my doors, 
lest I have you press'd into the service, sirrah. 

Whis. By no means, sir — Your humble ser- 
vant. — I must watch whether he goes or no 
before I can tell my master. [Aside.) [Exit, r.h. 

Sir J. This fellow has the officious leer of a 
pimp, and I half suspect a design ; but I'll be 
upon them before they think on me, I warrant 
'em. [Exit into the House. 



THE BUSY BODY, 45 

SCENE IV.— Charles's Lodgings. 
'Enter Charles and Marplot, r.h. 

Charles. Honest Marplot, I thank thee for this 
supply. I expect my lawyer with a thousand 
pounds I have ordered him to take up, and then 
you shall be repaid. 

Mar. Pho, pho ! no more of that. Here 
comes sir George Airy, 

Enter Sir George Airy, l.h. 

cursedly out of humour at his disappointment. 
See how he looks ! ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir G. Ah, Charles ! I am so humbled in my 
pretensions to plots upon women, that I believe 
1 shall never have courage enough to attempt a 
chambermaid again — I'll tell thee — 

Charles. Ha, ha ! I'll spare you the relation 
by telling you — Impatient to know your business 
with my father, when I saw you enter I slipp'd 
back into the next room, where I overheard 
every syllable. 

Mar. Did you Charles? I wish I had been 
with you. 

Sir G. That I said— but I'll be hang'd if you 

heard her answer But pr'ythee tell me, 

Charles, is she a fool ? 

Charles. I never suspected her for one ; but 
Marplot can inform you better, if you'll allow 
him a judge. 



46 THE BUSY BODY. 

Mar. A fool ! I'll justify she has more wit 
than all the rest of her sex put together. Why, 
she'll rally me till I han't a word to say for 
myself. 

Charles. A mighty proof of her wit, truly — 

Mar. There must be some trick in't, sir 
George ; 'egad, I'll find it out, if it cost me the 
sum you paid for't. 

Sir G. Do, and command me — 

Mar. Enough : let me alone to trace a secret — 

Enter Whisper, l.h. and speaks aside to his Master. 

The devil ! he here again ! damn that fellow, he 
never speaks out. Is this the same, or a new 
secret ? (Aside.) You may speak out, here are 
none but friends. 

Charles. Pardon me, Marplot, 'tis a secret. 

Mar. A secret ! ay, or ecod 1 would not give 
a farthing for it. Sir George, won't you ask 
Charles what news Whisper brings ? 

Sir G. Not I, sir ; I suppose it does not 
relate to me. 

Mar. Lord, lord ! how little curiosity some 
people have ! Now my chief pleasure is in 
knowing every body's business. 

[Exit Whisper, r.h. 

Sir G. I fancy, Charles, thou hast some en- 
gagement upon thy hands ? 

Mar. Have you, Charles ? 

Sir G. I have a little business too. 

Mar. Have you, sir George ? 

Sir G. Marplot, if it falls in your way to bring 



THE BUSY BODY. 47 

me any intelligence from Miranda, you'll find 
me at the Thatch'd-house. at six — 

Mar. You do me much honour. 

Charles. You guess right, sir George ; wish 
me success. 

Sir G. Better than attended me. Adieu. 

[Exit, L.H. 

Charles. Marplot, you must excuse me — 

Mar. Nay, nay ; what need of any excuse 
amongst friends ? I'll go with you. 

Charles. Indeed you must not. 

Mar. No ! then I suppose 'tis a duel ; and I 
will go to secure you. 

Charles. Well, but 'tis no duel, consequently 
no danger ; therefore pr'ythee be ansvver'd. 

Mar. What is't a mistress then ? — Mum — you 
know I can be silent upon occasion. 

Charles. I wish you could be civil too : I tell 
you, you neither must nor shall go with me. 
Farewell. [Exit, r.h. 

Mar. Why then — I must and will follow you. 

[Exit, R.H. 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 
SCENE I.— A Street. 
Enter Charles, r.h. 
Charles. Well, here's the house which holds 



4U THE BUSY BODY. 

the lovely prize, quiet and serene : here no 
noisy footmen throng to tell the world that 
heauty dwells within, no ceremonious visit makes 
the lover wait, no rival to give my heart a pang. 
AVho would not scale the window at midnight 
without fear of the jealous father's pistol, rather 
than till up the train of a coquette, where every 
minute he is jostled out of place ? (Knocks softly.) 
Mrs. Patch ! Mrs. Patch ! 

Enter Patch, from the House. 

Patch. Oh, are you come, sir? All's safe. 
Charles. So in, in then. {They go in.) 

Enter Marplot, r.h. 

Mar. There he goes ! Who the devil lives 
here ? Except I find out that, I am as far 
from knowing his business as ever. 'Gad I'll 
watch ; it may be a bawdy-house, and he may 
have his throat cut. If there should be any 
mischief, I can make oath he went in. Well, 
Charles, in spite of your endeavours to keep 
me out of the secret, I may save your life for 
aught I know. At that corner I'll plant myself; 
there I shall see whoever goes in or comes out. 
-Gad, I love discoveries. [Exit, r.h. 



THE BUSY BODY. 49 

SCENE II. — ^ Chamber in the House of Sir 
Jealous Traffick. 

Enter Charles, Isabinda, and Patch, r.h. 

Isa. Patch, look out sharp ; have a care of 
dad. 

Patch. I warrant you. [Exit, l.h. 

Isa. Well, sir, if I may judge your love by 
your courage, I ought to believe you sincere ; 
for you venture into the lion's den when you 
come to see me. 

Charles. If you'll consent whilst the furious 
beast is abroad, I'd free you from the reach of 
his paws. 

Isa. That would be but to avoid one danger 
by running into another, like poor wretches 
who fly the burning ship, and meet their fate in 
the water. Come, come, Charles, I fear, if I 
consult my reason, confinement and plenty is 
better than liberty and starving. I know you 
would make the frolic pleasing for a little time, 
by saying and doing a world of tender things ; 
but when our small substance is exhausted, and 
a thousand requisites for life are wanting, love, 
who rarely dwells with poverty, would also 
fail us. 

Charles. 'Faith, I fancy not ; methinks my 
heart has laid up a stock will last for life, to 
back which I have taken a thousand pounds 
upon my uncle's estate ; that surely will support 
us till one of our father's relent. 



ui) THE BUSY BODY. 

ha. There's no trusting to that, my friend : 
I doubt your father will carry his humour to the 
grave, and mine till he sees me settled in Spain. 

Charles. And can you then cruelly resolve to 
stay till that curs'd Don arrives, and sutler that 
youth, beauty, fire, and wit to be sacrific'd to 
the arms of a dull Spaniard, to be immured, and 
forbid the sight of any thing that's human ? 

ha. No ; when it comes to that extremity, 
and no stratagem can relieve us, thou shalt list 
for a soldier, and I'll carry thy knapsack after 
thee. 

Charles. Bravely resolv'd ! the world cannot 
be more savage than our parents, and fortune 
generally assists the bold, therefore consent, 
now why should she put it to a future hazard ? 
who knows when we shall have another oppor- 
tunity ? 

ha. Oh, you have your ladder of ropes I 
suppose and the closet window stands just where 
it did ; and if you han't forgot to write in 
characters, Patch will find a way for our assig- 
nations. Thus much of the Spanish contrivance 
my father's severity has taught me ; I thank 
him : though I hate the nation, I admire their 
management in these affairs. 

Enter Patch, l.h. 

Patch. Oh, madam ! I see my master coming 
up the street. 

Charles. Oh, the devil ! 'would I had my 
ladder now ! 1 thought you had not expected 



THE BUSY BODY. 51 

him till night. Why, why, why, why, what 
shall I do, madam ? 

Isa. Oh ! for heaven's sake don't go that 
way ; you'll meet him full in the teeth. Oh, 
unlucky moment ! 

Charles. 'Adsheart ! can you shut me into no 
cupboard, nor ram me into a chest, ha ? 

Patch. Impossible, sir; he searches every 
hole in the house. 

Isa. Undone for ever ! If he sees you I shall 
never see you more. 

Patch. I have thought on it ; run you to your 
chamber, madam ; and, sir, come you along with 
me ; I'm certain you may easily get down from 
the balcony. 

Charles. My life ! adieu — Lead on guide. 

[Exeunt Patch and Charles, r.h. 

Isa. Heavens preserve him. [Exit, l.h. 

SCENE III.— The Street. 

Enter Sir Jealous Traffick, r.ii. follozved by 
Marplot. 

Sir J. Idon't know what's the matter, but! 
have a strong suspicion all is not right within ; 
that fellow's sauntering about my door, and his 
tale of a puppy, had the face of a lie, methought 
By St. lago, if I should tind a man in the house 
I'd make mince meat of him — 

Mar. Mince-meat ! Ah, poor Charles ! how I 
sweat for thee ! 'Egad, he's old — I fancy ! might 
bully him, and make Charles have an opinion of 



52 THE BUSY BODY. 

my courage. 'Egad I'll pluck up, and have a 
touch with him. 

Sir J. My own key shall let me in ; I'll give 
them no warning. (Feeling for his key.) 

Alar. Whafs that you say, sir ? 

(Going up to sir Jealous.) 

Sir J. What's that to you, sir ? 

(Turns quick upon him.) 

Mar. Yes, 'tis to me, sir; for the gentleman 
you threaten is a very honest gentleman. Look 
to't ; for if he comes not as safe out of your 
house as he went in — 

Sir J. What, is he in then ? 

Mar. Yes, sir, he is in then ; and I say if he 
does not come out, I have half a dozen myrmi- 
dons hard by shall beat your house about your 
ears. 

Sir J. Ah! a combination to undo me — I'll 
myrmidon you, ye dog, you — Thieves ! thieves ! 

(Beats Marplot.) 

Mar. Murder, murder ! I was not in your 
house, sir. 

Enter Servant, l.h. 

Serv. What's the matter, sir? 

Sir J. The matter, rascal ! you have let a 
man into my house ; but I'll flay him alive. Fol- 
low me ; I'll not leave a mouse-hole unsearch'd. 
If I find him, by St. Iago, I'll equip him for the 
opera. 

Mar. A deuce of his cane ! there's no trust- 
ing to age — W T ha4 shall I do to relieve Charles ? 



THE BUSY EODY. 53 

"egad, I'll raise the neighbourhood. — Murder! 
murder ! — (Charles drops down upon him from 
the Balcony.) Charles! faith, I'm glad to see 
thee safe out, with all nry heart ! 

Charles. A plague of your bawling ! how the 
devil came you here? 

Mar. 'Egad, it's very well for you that I was 
here ; I have done you a piece of service : I 
told the old thunderbolt that the gentleman that 
was gone in was — 

Charles, Was it you that told him, sir ? {Lay- 
ing hold of him.) 'Sdeath ! 1 could crush thee 
into atoms. [Exit^ r.h. 

Mar. What ! will you choke me for my kind- 
ness ? — Will my inquiring soul never leave 
searching into other people's affairs till it gets 
squeez'd out of my body ? I dare not follow him 
now for my blood, he's in such a passion. — I'll 
go to Miranda ; if 1 can discover aught that may 
oblige sir George, it may be a means to recon-r 
cile me again to Charles. 

Sir J. ( Within.) Look about ! search, find him 
out! 

Mar. Oh, the devil ! there's old Crabstick again. 

[Exit, L.H. 

SCENE IV.— A Hall in the House of nr Jealous 
Traffick, 

Enter Sir Jealous Traffick and his Servants, l.h, 

Sir J. Are you sure you have searchM every 
where ? 

6 



54 THE BUSY BODY. 

Serv. Yes, from the top of the house to the 
bottom. 

Sir J, Under the beds and over the beds ? 

Serv. Yes, and in them too, but found no- 
body, sir. 

Sir J. Why, what could this rogue mean ? 

Enter Isabinda and Patch, r.h. 

Patch. Take courage, madam ; I saw him safe 
out. (Aside to Isabinda.) 

Isa. Bless me what's the matter, sir? 

Sir J. You know best — Pray where'sthe man 
that was here just now ? 

Isa. What man, sir? I saw none. 

Patch. Nor I, by the trust you repose in me. 
Do you think I would let a man come within 
these doors when you are absent ? 

Sir J. Ah, Patch ! she may be too cunning for 
thy honesty ; (Crosses to Patch.) the very scout 
that he had set to give warning discovered it to 
me — and threatened me with half a dozen myr- 
midons — but I think I maul'd the villain. These 
afflictions you draw upon me, mistress. 

(To Isabinda.) 

Isa. Pardon me, sir, 'tis your own ridiculous 
humour draws you into these vexations, and 
gives every fool pretence to banter you. 

Sir J. No, 'tis your idle conduct, your coquet- 
tish flirting into the balcony — Oh ! with what 
joy shall I resign thee into the arms of don Die- 
go Babinetto. 

Isa. And with what industry shall I avoid him. 

(Aside.) 



THE BUSY BODY. 55 

1 Sir J. Certainly that rogue had a message 
from somebody or other, hut being balk'd by my 
coming popp'd that sham upon me. Come along, 
ye iots, let's see if we can find the dog again. 
Patch, lock her up, d'ye hear ? 

[Exeunt sir Jealous and Servants, i .h. 

Patch. Yes, sir — Ay, walk till your heels 
ache, you'll find nobody, I promise you. 

Isa. Who could that scout be he talks of? 

Patch. Nay, I can't imagine, without it was 
Whisper. 

Isa. Well, dear Patch ! let's employ all our 
thoughts how to escape this horrid don Diego ; 
my very heart sinks at his terrible name. 

Patch. Fear not, madam ; don Carlos shall be 
the man, or I'll lose the reputation of contriv- 
ing ; and then what's a chambermaid good for ? 

[Exeunt, r.h. 

SCENE V. — Sir Francis GripePs House. 

Enter Sir Francis Gripe, l.h. and Miranda, r.h. 

Mir. Well, Gardy, how did I perform the 
dumb scene. 

Sir F. To admiration — Thou dear little rogue ! 
let me buss thee for it : nay, adad I will, Char- 
gy, so muzzle, and tuzzle, and hug thee ; 1 will, 
i'faith, I will. {^ u gS^ n S an ^ kissing her.) 

Mir. Nay, Gardy, don't be so lavish. Who 
would ride post when the journey lasts for life ? 

Sir F. Oh, I'm transported ! When, when, my 
dear! wilt thou convince the world of the hap- 
py day? when shall we marry, ha? 



53 THE BUSY BODY. 

Mir. There's nothing' wanting" but your con- 
sent, sir Francis. 

Sir F. My consent ! what does my charmer 
mean ? 

Mir. Nay, 'tis only a whim ; but I'll have eve- 
ry thing according- to form — therefore when you 
sign an authentic paper, drawn up by an able 
lawyer, that I have your leave to many, the 
next day makes me yours, Gardy. 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! a whim indeed ! why is it 
not demonstration I give my leave when 1 mar- 
ry thee ? 

Mir. Not for your reputation, Gardy ; the ma- 
licious world will be apt to say you trick me into 
marriage, and so take the merit from my choice : 
now 1 will have the act my own, to let the idle 
fops see how much 1 prefer a man loaded with 
years and wisdom. 

Sir F. Humph ! Pr 'ythee leave out years, 
Chargy y I'm not so old, as thou shalt find. Adad, 
I'm young: there's a caper for ye ! (Jumps.) 

Mir. Oh, never excuse it ; why I like you the 
better for being old — but I shall suspect you 
don't love me if you refuse me this formality. 

Sir F. Not love thee, Chargy ! Adad, I do 
love thee better than, than, than, better than — 
what shall 1 say 'egad, better than money ; 
i' faith I do — 

Mir. That's false, I'm sure. (Aside.) To prove 
it do this then. 

Sir F. Well, I will do it, Chargy, provided I 
bring a licence at the same time. 

Mir. Ay, and a parson too, if you please. Ha, 



THE BUSY BODY. 57 

ha, ha! I can't help laughing to think how all 
the young coxcomhs about town will be morti- 
fied when they hear of our marriage. 

Sir F. So they will, so they will ! ha, ha, ha ! 
Mir. Well, I fancy I shall be so happy with 
my Gardy — 

Sir F. If wearing pearls and jewels, or eating 
gold, as the old saying is, can make thee hap- 
py, thou shalt be so, my sweetest, my lovely, 
my charming, my — verily I know not what to 
call thee. 

Mir. You must know, Gardy, that I'm so ea- 
ger to have this business concluded, that I have 
employed my woman's brother, who is a lawyer 
in the Temple, to settle matters just to your 
liking ; you are to give }'our consent to my 
marriage, which is to yourself you know : but, 
mum, you must take no notice of that. So then 
I will, that is, with your leave, put my writings 
into his hands ; then to-morrow we come slap 
upon them with a wedding that nobody thought 
on, by which you seize me and my estate, and I 
suppose make a bonfire of your own act and 
deed. 

Sir F. Nay but, Chargy, if — 
Mir. Nay, Gardy, no ifs. — Have I refus'd 
three northern lords, two British peers, and half 
a score knights, to have you put in your ifs ? 

Sir F. So thou hast indeed, and I will trust to 
thy management. 'Od, I'm all of a fire. 

Mir. 'Tis a wonder the dry stubble does not 
blaze. (Aside.) 



58 THE BUSY BODY 



Enter Marplot, l.ii. 



Sir F. How now, who sent for you, sir ? 
What is the hundred pounds gone already ? 

Mar. No, sir ; I don't want money now, Gardy. 

»S'ir F. No, that's a miracle 1 but there's one 
thing you want, I'm sure. 

Mar. Ay, what's that ? 

Sir F. Manners! What, had I no servants 
without ? 

Alar. None that could do my business, guar- 
dian, which is at present with this lady. 

Mir. With me, Mr. Marplot ? what is it 1 he- 
seech you? 

Sir F. Ay, sir, what is it ? any thing that re- 
lates to her may be delivered to me. 

Mar. I deny that. 

Mir. That's more than 1 do, sir. 

(Crosses to Mar.) 

Mar. Indeed, madam ! Why then to proceed : 
Fame says, you know best whether she tells 
truth or not, that you and my most conscionable 
guardian here design'd, contriv'd, plotted, and 
agreed to chouse a very civil, honest, honoura- 
ble gentleman out of a hundred pounds : guilty 
or not ? 

Mir. That I contriv'd it ! 

Mar. Ay, you — you said never a word against 
it ; so far you are guilty. 

Sir F. Prny tell that civil, honest, honoura- 
ble gentleman, that if he has any more such 



THE BUSY BODY. 59 

sums to fool away, they shall be received like 
the last; ha, ha, ha! Chous'd, quotha ! [Crosses 
to centre.) But, harkye, let him know at the same 
time, that if he dare to report 1 trick'd him of 
it, I shall recommend a lawyer to him, who 
shall show him a trick for twice as much. D'ye 
hear? tell him that. 

Mar. So, and this is the way you use a gen- 
tleman, and my friend ! 

Mir. Is the wretch thy friend ? 

JVIar. The wretch ! lookye, madam, don't call 
names ; ^egad, I won't take it. 

Mir. Why, you won't beat me, will you ? Ha, 
ha! 

Mar. I don't know whether I will or no. 

Sir F. Sir, I shall make a servant show you 
out at the window if you are saucy. 

Mar. I am your most humble servant, guar- 
dian ; I design to go out the same way I came 
in, I would only ask this lady one question. 
Don't you think he's a fine gentleman ? 

Sir F. Who's a fine gentleman ? 

Mar. Not you, Gardy, not you ! Don't you 
think, in your soul, that sir George Airy is a 
very fine gentleman? 

Mir. He dresses well. 

Sir F. Which is chiefly owing to his tailor 
and valet de chambre. 

Mar. Well ! and who is your dress owing to, 
ha? There's a beau, ma'am — do but look at 
him ! 

Sir F. Sirrah ! 

Mir. And if being a beau be a proof of his 
being a fine gentleman, he may be so. 



GO THE BUSY BODY. 

Mar. He may be so ! Why, ma'am the judi- 
cious part of the world allow him wit, courage, 
gallantry, ay, and economy too, though I think 
he forfeited that character when he flung away 
a huudred pounds upon your dumb ladyship. 
Sir F. Does that gall him ? Ha, ha, ha ! 
Mir. So, sir George, remaining in deep dis- 
content, has sent you his trusty squire, to utter 
his complaint. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Mar. Yes, madam ! and you like a cruel hard- 
hearted Jew, value it no more— than I would 
your ladyship, were I sir George ; you, you, 
you — 

Mir. Oh, don't call names : I know you love 
to be employed, and I'll oblige you, and you 
shall carry him a message from me. 

Mar. According as I like it. What is it ? 
Mir. Nay, a kind one, you may be sure — 
First, tell him I have chose this gentleman, to 
have and to hold, and so forth. 

[Taking the hand of Sir F.) 
Mar. Much good may it do you ! 
Sir F. Oh the dear rogue ! how I dote on her ! 

{Aside.) 
Mir. And advise his impertinence to trouble 
me no more, for I prefer sir Francis for a hus- 
band before all the universe. 

Mar. Oh Lord, oh lord ! she's bewitched, 
that's certain. Here's a husband for eighteen — 
here's a tit-bit for a young lady — here's a shape, 
an air, and a grace — here's bones rattling in a 
leathern bag — [Turning sir Francis about.) here's 
buckram and canvass to scrub you to repen 
tance. 



THE BUSY BODY. 61 

Sir F. Sirrah, my cane shall teach you repen- 
tance presently. 

Mar. No, faith, I have felt its twin brother 
from just such a witherM hand too lately. 

Mir. One thing more; advise him to keep 
from the garden gate on the left hand, for if he 
dare to saunter there, about the hour of eight, 
as he us'd to do, he shall be saluted with a pistol 
or a blunderbuss. 

Sir F. Oh, monstrous ! Why, Chargy, did he 
use to come to the garden-gate ? 

Mir. The gardener describ'd just such anoth- 
er man that always watch'd his coming out, and 
fain would have brib'd him for his entrance — 
Tell him he shall find a warm reception if he 
comes this night. 

Mar. Pistols and blunderbusses ! 'Egad, a warm 
reception indeed ! 1 shall take care to inform 
him of your kindness, and advise him to keep 
further off. 

Mir. 1 hope he will understand my meaning 
better than to follow your advice. {Aside.) 

Sir F. Thou hast sign'd, senl'd, and ta'en pos- 
session of my heart forever, Chargy, ha, ha, ha ! 
and for you, Mr. Saucebox, let me have no more 
of your messages, if ever you design to inherit 
your estate, gentleman. 

Mar. Why, there 'tis now. Sure I shall be 
out of your clutches one day — Well, guardian, I 
say no more: but if you be not as arrant a 
cuckold as e'er drove bargain upon the Ex- 
change, or paid attendance to a court, I am the 
son of a whetstone ; and so your humble ser- 
vant. 



62 THE BUSY BODY. 

Mir. Mr. Marplot, don't forget the message , 
ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Mar. Nang, nang, nang ! [Exit, l.h. 

Sir F. I am so provoked — 'tis well he's gone. 

Mir. Oh, mind him not, Gardy, but let's sign 
articles, and then — 

Sir F. And then — Adad, I believe I am meta- 
morphos'd, my pulse beats high, and my blood 
boils, methinks — [Kissing and hugging her.) 

Mir. Oh, fie, Gardy ! be not so violent : con- 
sider the market lasts all the year. — Well, I'll 
in, and see if the lawyer be come: you'll follow. 

[Exit, R.H. 

Sir. F. Ay, to the world's end, my dear ! 
Well, Frank, thou art a lucky fellow in thy old 
age to have such a delicate morsel, and thirty 
thousand pounds, in love with thee. I shall be 
the envy of bachelors, the glory of married men, 
and the wonder of the town. Some guardians 
would be glad to compound for part of the es- 
tate at dispatching an heiress, but 1 engross the 
whole. — O ! mihi praeteritos referat si Jupiter an- 
nos ! [Exit, r.h. 

SCENE VI.— A Tavern. 

Sir George Airy and Charles discovered, zoith 
Wine, Pens, Ink, and Paper on the Table. Whis- 
per waiting. 

Sir G. Nay, pr'ythee, don't be grave, Charles : 
misfortunes will happen. Ha, ha, ha ! 'tis some 
comfort to have a companion in our sufferings. 



THE BUSY BODY. 63 

Charles. I am only apprehensive for Isabinda ; 
her father's humour is implacable ; and how far 
his jealousy may transport him to her undoing 1 , 
shocks my soul to think. 

Sir G. But since you escap'd undiscover'd by 
him, his rage will quickly lash into a calm, nev- 
er fear it. 

Charles. But who knows what that unlucky 
dog, Marplot, told him ; nor can I imagine what 
brought, him thither: that fellow is ever doing 
mischief; and yet, to give him his due, he nev- 
er designs it. This is some blundering adven- 
ture wherein he thought to show his friendship, 
as he calls it ! a curse on him ! 

Sir G. Then you must forgive him. What 
said he ? 

Charles. Said ! nay, I had more mind to cut 
his throat, than to hear his excuses. 

Sir G. Where is he ? 

Whis. Sir, I saw him go into sir Francis 
Gripe s, just now. 

Charles. Oh ! then he's upon your business, 
sir George, a thousand to one but he makes some 
mistake there too. 

Sir G. Impossible, without he huffs the lady, 
and makes love to sir Francis. 

Enter Drawer, l.h. 

Draw. Mr. Marplot is below, gentlemen, and 
desires to know if he may have leave to wait 
upon ye. 

Charles. How civil the rogue is when he has 
done a fault ! 



64 THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir G. Ho ! desire him to walk up, [Exit 
Drawer, l.h.] Pry'thee Charles, throw off this 
chagrin, and be good company. 

Charles. Nay, hang him, I'm not angry with 
him. 

Enter Marplot, l.h. 

Do but mark his sheepish look, sir George. 

Mar. Dear Charles ! don't overwhelm a man 
already under insupportable affliction. I'm sure 
I always intend to serve my friends ; but if my 
malicious stars deny the happiness, is the fault 



mine 



Sir G. Never mind him, Mr. Marplot ; he's 
eat up with spleen. But tell me what says Mi- 
randa ? 

Mar. Says ! — nay, we are all undone there 
too. 

Charles. I told you so ; nothing prospers that 
he undertakes. 

Mar. Why, can I help her having chose your 
father for better for worse ? 

Charles. So ; there's another of fortune's 
strokes. I suppose I shall be edged out of my 
estate with twins every year, let who will get 
'em. 

Sir G. What ! is the woman really possess'd ? 

Mar. Yes, with the spirit of contradiction : 
she railed at you most prodigiously. 

Sir G. That's no ill sign. 

Mar. You'd say it was no good sign if you 
knew all. 



THE BUSY BODY. 65 

Sir G. Why, pr'ythee ? 

Mar. Harkye, sir George, let me warn you ; 
pursue your old haunt no more ; it may be dan- 
gerous. {Charles sits down to write.) 

Sir G. My old haunt ! what do you mean ? 

Mar. Why, in short then, since you will have 
it, Miranda vows if you dare approach the gar- 
den gate at eight o'clock, as you us'd, you shall 
meet with a warm reception. 

Sir G. A warm reception 1 

Mar. Ay, a very warm reception — you shall 
be saluted with a blunderbuss, sir. These 
were her very words : nay, she bid me tell you 
so too. 

Sir G. Ha ! the garden-gate at eight, as I us'd 
to do ! There must be meaning in this. Is there 
such a gate, Charles ? 

Mar. Is there such a gate, Charles ? 

Charles. Yes, yes, it opens into the Park : I 
suppose her ladyship has made many a scamper 
through it. 

Sir G. It must be an assignation then. Ha ! 
my heart springs for joy ; 'tis a propitious omen. 
My dear Marplot ! let me embrace thee ; thou 
art my friend, my better angel. 

Mar. What do you mean, sir George ? 

Sir G. No matter what I mean. Here, take 
a bumper to the garden gate, you dear rogue, 
you ! 

Mar. You have reason to be transported, sir 
George ; I have sav'd your life. 

Sir G. My life ! thou hast sav'd my soul, man. 
7 



66 THE BUSY BODY. 

Charles, if thou dost not pledge this health, 
may'st thou never taste the joys of love. 

Charles. Whisper, be sure you take care how 
you deliver this. [Gives him a Letter.) Bring me 
the answer to my lodgings. 

Whis. I warrant you, sir. (To Charles.) 

Mar. Whither does that letter go ? Now dare 
1 not ask for my blood — That fellow knows more 
secrets than 1 do. — {Aside. — Following Whisper 
as he is going.) — Whisper ! Whisper ! 

Whis. Sir ! (Aside to Mar.) 

Mar. Whisper, here's half a crown for you. 

(Aside to Whis.) 

Whis. Thank ye, sir. (Aside to Mar.) 

Mar. Now where is that letter going ? 

(Aside to Whis.) 

Whis. Into my pocket, sir. (Aside to Mar.) 

[Exit L.H. 

Charles. Now I'm for you. 

Sir G. To the garden-gate at the hour of 
eight, Charles : allons ; huzza ! 

Charles. I begin to conceive you. 

Mar. That's more than I do, 'egad — To the 
garden-gate, huzza ! (Drinks.) But I hope you 
design to keep far enough off on't, sir George. 

Sir G. Ay, ay, never fear that ; she shall see 
I despise her frowns ; let her use the blunder- 
buss against the next fool ; she shan't reach me 
with the smoke, I warrant her ; ha, ha, ha ! 

Mar. Ah, Charles! if you could receive a dis- 
appointment thus en cavalier, one should have 
some comfort in being beat for you. 

Charles. The fool comprehends nothing. 

(Aside to Sir G.) 



THE BUSY BODY. 67 

Sir G. Nor would 1 have him. Pr'ythce, take 
him along with thee. (Aside to Charles.) 

Charles. Enough. (Aside to Sir G.) 

Sir G. I kiss both jour hands — And now for 
the garden-gate. 

It's beauty gives the assignation there, 

And love too powerful grows t'admit of fear. 

[Exit, L.H. 

Charles. Come, you shall go home with me. 

Mar. Shall I ! and are we friends, Charles ? — 
1 am glad of it. 

Charles. Come along. [Exit, r.h. 

Mar. 'Egad, Charles's asking me to go home 
with him gives me a shrewd suspicion there's 
more in the garden-gate than I comprehend. 
Faith, I'll give him the drop, and away to Gar- 
dy's and find it out. [Exit, r.h, 

END OF ACT III. 



ACT IV. 



SCENE I.— The outside of Sir Jealous Trajfick's 
House ; Patch Peeping out of the Door. 

Enter Whisper, e.h. 

Whis. Ha ! Mrs. Patch, this is a lucky minute, 
to find you so readily ; my master dies with im^ 
patience. 



68 THE BUSY BODY. 

Patch. My lady imagin'd so, and by her orders 
I have been scouting this hour in search of you, 
to inform you that sir Jealous has invited some 
friends to supper with him to-night, which gives 
an opportunity to your master to make use of his 
ladder of ropes. The closet window shall be 
open, and Isabinda ready to receive him. Bid 
him come immediately. 

Whig. Excellent ! he'll not disappoint, I war- 
rant him — But hold, 1 have a letter here which. 
I'm to carry an answer to. 1 cannot think what 
language the direction is. 

Patch. Pho ! 'tis no language, but a character 
which the lovers invented to avert discovery — 
Ha! I hear my old master coming down stairs? 
it is impossible you should ha\e an answer: 
awa} r , and bid him come himself for that. Be 
gone, we're ruin'd if you're seen, for he has 
doubled his care since the last accident. 

Whis. I go, I go. [Exit, l.h. 

Patch. There, go thou into my pocket. {Puts 
it aside, and it falls down.) Now I'll up the back 
stairs lest I meet him — Well, a dexterous cham- 
bermaid is the ladies best utensil, 1 say. 

[Exit, L.H. 

Enter Sir Jealous Traffick, with a letter in his 
Hand, r.h. 

Sir J. So, this is some comfort ; this tells me 
that signior don Diego Bab.netto is safely 
arrived. He shall marry my daughter the 



THE BUSY BODY. 69 

minute he comes — Ha, ha ! what's here ? 
(Takes up the letter Patch dropped.) A letter! 
I don't know what to make of the superscription. 
I'll see what's withinside. (Opens it.) — Humph 
-r— 'tis Hebrew, I think. What can this mean ? — 
There must be some trick in it. This was 
certainly design'd for my daughter; but I don't 
know that she can speak any language but her 
mother tongue. — No matter for that ; this may 
be one of love's hieroglyphics ; and I fancy I 
saw Patch's tail sweep by : that wench may be 
a slut, and instead of guarding my honour betray 
it. 1*11 iiad it out, I'm resolv'd— Who's there ? 

Enter Servant, l.h. 

What answer did you bring the gentleman 1 
sent you to invite ? 

Serv. That they'd all wait on you, sir, as I 
told you before ; but I suppose you forgot, sir. 

Sir J. Did 1 so, sir ? but I shan't forget to 
break your head if any of them come, sir. 

Serv. Come, sir ! why, did not you send me 
to desire their company, sir ? 

Sir J. But I send you now to desire their 
absence. Say I have something extraordinary 
fallen out, which calls me abroad contrary to 
expectation, and ask their pardon ; and, d'ye 
hear, send the butler to me. 

Serv. Yes, sir. [Exit) l.h. 



•70 THE BUSY BODY' 

Enter Butler, l.h. 

Sir J. If this paper has a meaning I'll find it 
* — Lay the cloth in my daughter's chamber, and 
bid the cook send supper thither presently. 

But. Yes, sir. — Hey-day ! what's the matter 
now ? [Exit, l.h. 

Sir J. He wants the eyes of Argus that has 
a young handsome daughter in this town ; but 
my comfort is I shall not be troubled long with 
her. He that pretends to rule a girl once in 
her teens had better be at sea in a storm, and 
would be in less danger. [Exit, L.m 

SCENE II. — Isctbindas Chamber. 
Enter Isabinda and Patch, l.h^ 

ha. Are you sure nobody saw you speak to 
Whisper ? 

Patch. Yes, very sure, madam ; but I heard 
sir Jealous coming down stairs, so clapped his 
letter into my pocket. (Feels for the Letter.) 

Isa. A letter ! give it me quickly. 

Patch. Bless me ! what's become on't — I'm 
sure I put it — (Searching still.) 

Isa. Is it possible thou could'st be so careless? 
— Oh, I'm undone for ever if it be lost. 

Patch. I must have dropp'd it upon the stairs. 
But why are you so much aiarm'd ? if the worst 
happens nobody can read it, madam, nor find 
out whom it was design'd for. 



THE BUSY BtibY. 71 

Isa. If it falls into my father's hands the very 
figure of a letter will produce ill consequences. 
Run and look for it upon the stairs this moment. 

Patch. Nay, Pm sure it can be no where 
else — {Going.) 

Enter Butler, l.h. 

How now, what do you want ? 

But. My master ordered me to lay the cloth 
here for supper. 

Isa. Ruin'd past redemption — {Aside.) 

Patch. You mistake, sure. What shall we do ? 

Isa. I thought he expected company to-night — 
Oh, poor Charles ? oh, unfortunate Isabinda ! 

{Aside.) 

But. I thought so too, madam ; but I suppose 
he has altered his mind. 

[ Lays the Cloth, and exit, l.h. 

Isa. The letter is the cause. This heedless 
action has undone me. Fly and fasten the 
closet window, which will give Charles notice 
to retire. Ha ! my father ! oh, confusion ! 

Enter Sir Jealous Traffick, l.h. 

Sir J. Hold, hold, Patch ; whither are you 
going? Pll have nobody stir out of the room till 
after supper. 

Patch. Sir, I was going to reach your easy 
chair — oh, wretched accident ! {Aside.) 

Sir J. Pll have nobody stir out of the room 
1 don't want my easy chair. 



12 THE BUSY BODY. 

Isa. What will be the event of this? (Aside.) 

Sir J. Harkye, daughter, do you know this 
hand? 

Isa. As I suspected. (Aside.) — Hand, do you 
call it, sir ? 'tis some schoolboy's scrawl. 

Patch. Oh, invention ! thou chambermaid's 
best friend, assist me ! (Aside.) 

Sir J. Are you sure you don't understand it ? 

(Patch feels in her Bosom, and shakes her Coats.) 

Isa. Do you understand it, sir? 

♦Sir J. 1 wish 1 did. 

Isa. Thank heav'n you do not (Aside.) Then 
I know no more of it than you do, indeed, sir ! 

Patch. O lord, O, lord ! what have you done, 
sir ? why, the paper is mine ; 1 dropp'd it out 
of my bosom. (Snatching it from him.) 

Sir J. Ha ! yours, mistress ? 

Patch. Yes, sir, it is. 

Sir J. What is it ? speak. 

Patch. Yes, sir, it is a charm for the tooth- 
ache — I have worn it these seven years ; 'twas 
given me by an angel for aught I know, when I 
was raving with the pain, for nobody knew from 
whence he came nor whither he went. He 
charged me never to open it, lest some dire 
vengeance befall me, and heaven knows what 
will be the event. Oh, cruel misfortune ! that I 
should drop it and you should open it — 

Sir J. Plague of your charms and whims for 
me ! if that be all 'tis well enough : there, 
there, burn it, and I warrant you no vengeance 
will follow. 

Patch. So all's right again thus far. (Aside*) 



THE BUSY BODY. 73 

Isa. I would not lose Patch for the world — 
I'll take courage a little. [Aside.) Is this usage 
for your daughter, sir ? must my virtue and 
conduct be suspected for every trifle ? You 
immure me like some dire offender here, and 
deny me all the recreations which my sex enjoy ^ 
and the custom of the country and modesty 
allow ; yet not content with that, you make my 
confinement more intolerable by your mistrusts 
and jealousies. Would 1 were dead, so I were 
free from this. 

Sir J. To-morrow rids you of this tiresome 
load : don Diego Babinetto will be here, and 
then my care ends and his begins. 

Isa. Is he come then ? — Oh, how shall I avoid 
this hated marriage ! {Aside.) 

Enter Servants, with Supper, l.h. 

Sir J. Come, will you sit down ? 

Isa. I can't eat, sir. 

Patch. No, I dare swear he has given her 
supper enough. 1 wish I could get into the 
closet. [Aside.) 

Sir J. Well, if you can't eat, then give me a 
song, whilst I do 

Isa. I have such a cold 1 can scarce speak, sir, 
much less sing. — How shall I prevent Charles's 
coming in ? [Aside.) 

Sir J. I hope you have the use of your 
fingers madam. Play a tune upon your spinnet 
whilst your woman sings me a song. 

Patch. I'm as much out of tune as my lady, 
if he knew all. (Aside.) 



74 THE BUSY BODY. 

Isa. I shall make excellent music. 

{Sits down to play.) 

Patch. Really, sir, I am so frightened ahout 
your opening this charm that 1 can't remember 
one thing. 

Sir J. Fish ! hang your charm ! come, come, 
sino: any thing. 

Patch. Yes, ^m likely to sing, truly. (Aside.) 
Humph, humph ; bless me ! 1 can't raise my 
voice, my heart pants so. 

Sir J. Why, what does your heart pant so 
that you can't play neither? Pray what key are 
you in. ha ! 

Patch. Ah, would the key was turned on you 
once. (Aside.) 

Sir J. Why don't you sing, I say ? 

Patch. When madam has put her spinnet in 
tune, sir : humph, humph — 

Isa. 1 cannot piay, sir, whatever ails me. 

(Rising.) 

Sir J. Zounds ! sit down and play me a tune, 
or HI break the spinnet ahout your ears. 

Isa. What will become of me? 

(Sits down and plays.) 

Sir J. Come mistress. (To Patch.) 

Patch. Yes, sir. (Sings, but horridly out of tune.) 

Sir J. Hey, hey ! why, you are a-top of the 
house, and you are down in the cellar. What 
is the meaning of this? is it on purpose to cross 
me, ha ? 

Patch. Pray, madam, take it a little lower; 
I cannot reach that note — nor any note, 1 fear. 

Isa. Well, begin— Ohj Patch, we shall be 
discovered. (Aside.) 



THE BUSY BODY. 75 

Patch. I sink with apprehension, madam. (Aside) 
Humph, humph. (Sings. — Charles opens the Closet 
door, l.h.) 

Charles. Music and singing ! Death ! her father 
there ! (The Women shriek?) Then J must fly — 
[Exit into the Closet, r.h. Sir Jealous rises up 
hastily, seeing Charles slip back into the Closet.) 

Sir J. Hell and furies ! a man in the closet. — 

Patch. Ah ! a ghost ! a ghost ! — He must not 
enter the closet. (Isabinda throws herself down 
before the Closet-door as in a swoo7i.) 

Sir J. The devil ! I'll make a ghost of him, I 
warrant you. (Strives to get by.) 

Patch. Oh, hold, sir, have a care ; you'll 
tread upon my lady — Who waits there ? bring 
some water. Oh, this comes of your opening 
the charm. Oh, oh, oh, oh ! (Weeps aloud) 

Sir J. I'll charm you, housewife. Here lies 
the charm that conjur'd this fellow in, I'm sure 
on't. Come out, you rascal, do so, Zounds ! 
take her from the door or I'll spurn her from it, 
and break your neck down stairs. Where are 
you, sirrah ? Villain ! robber of my honour ! Til 
pull you out of your nest. (Goes into the Closet.) 

Patch. You'll be mistaken, old gentleman ; 
the bird is flown. 

ha. I'm glad I have 'scap'd so well ; I was 
almost dead in earnest with the fright. 

Re-enter Sir Jealous out of the Closet, r.h. 

Sir J. Whoever the dog were he has escap'd 
out of the window, for the sash is up : but though 



76 THE BUSY BODY. 

he is got out of my reach you are not. And 
first, Mrs. Pander, with your charms for the 
tooth-ache, get out of my house, go, troop ; 
yet hold, stay, I'll see you out of doors myself; 
but I'll secure your charge ere I go. 

Isa. What do you mean, sir ? was she not a 
creature of your own providing? 

Sir J. She was of the devil's providing, for 
aught I know. 

Patch. What have I done, sir, to merit your 
displeasure ? 

Sir J. 1 don't know which of you have done 
it, but you shall both suffer for it, till I can 
discover whose guilt it is. Go, get in there ; 
I'll move you from this side of the house, 
[Pushes Isabinda in at the Door and locks it, puts 
the key in his Pocket.) I'll keep the key myself; 
I'll try what ghost will get into that room : 
and now forsooth I'll wait on you down stairs. 

Patch. Ay, my poor lady ! — Down stairs, sir I 
but 1 won't go out, sir, till I have lock'd up my 
clothes, and that's flat. 

Sir J. If thou wert as naked as thou wert 
born, thou shouldst not stay to put on a rag and 
that's flat. [Exeunt, l.h.d. 

SCENE III.— The Street 

Sir J. (Putting Patch out of the Door.) There, 
go and come no more within sight of my habita- 
tion these three days, I charge you. 

(Slaps the Door after her.) 

Patch. Did ever any body see such an old 
monster! 



THE BUSY BODY. 77 

Enter Charles, r.h.u.e. 

Oh, Mr. Charles ! your affairs and mine are in 
an ill posture. 

Charles. I am inur'd to the frowns of fortune ; 
but what has befall'n thee ? 

Patch. Sir Jealous, whose suspicious nature is 
always on the watch, nay, even while one eye 
sleeps the other keeps sentinel, upon sight of 
you flew into such a violent passion, that I could 
rind no stratagem to appease him, but in spite of 
all arguments he lock'd his daughter into his own 
apartment, and turn d me out of doors. 

Charles. Ha ! oh, Isahinda ! 

Patch. And swears she shall see neither sun 
nor moon till she is don Diego Babinetto's wife, 
who arrived last night, and is expected with im- 
patience. 

Charles. He dies ; yes, by all the wrongs of 
love he shall : here will 1 plant myself, and 
through my breast he shall make his passage, if 
he enters. 

Patch. A most heroic resolution ! there might 
be ways found out more to your advantage : po- 
licy is often prefer'd to open force. 

Charles. I apprehend you not. 

Patch. What think you of personating this 
Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marry- 
ing your mistress by his own consent ? 

Charles. Say'st thou so, my angel ! Oh, could 

that be done, my life to come would be too short 

to recompense thee : but how can I do that 

when I neither know what ship he came in, nor 

8 



73 THE BUSY BODY. 

from what part of Spain ; who recommends him. 
or how attended. 

Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Ma- 
drid, his father's name don Pedro Questo Por- 
tento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to sir 
Jealous, which he dropp'd one day. You under- 
stand Spanish, and the hand may be counterfeit- 
ed. You conceive me sir? 

Charles. My better genius ! thou hast reviv'd 
my drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Come 
to my lodgings, and we'll concert matters. 

[Exeunt, l.h. 

SCENE IV. — A Garden-gate open ; Scentwell 
waiting within. 

Enter Sir George Airy, l.h.u.e. 

Sir G. So, this is the gate, and most invitingly 
open. If there should be a blunderbuss here 
now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall make 
for fools, and what a jest for the wits ; how my 
name would be roar'd about the streets ! Well, 
I'll venture all. 

Scent. Hist, hist! sir George Airy (Comes for- 
ward.) 

Sir G. A female voice ! thus far I'm safe — My 
dear. 

Scent. No, I'm not your dear, but I'll conduct 
you to her. Give me your hand ; you must go 
through many a dark passage and dirty step be- 
fore you arrive — 

Sir G. I know I must before I arrive at Para- 
dise ; therefore be quick, my charming guide. 



THE BUSY BODY. 79 

Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, 
your hand, and away. 

Sir G. Here, here, child ; you can't be half so 
swift as my desires. 

[Exeunt Through the Gate, r.h. 

SCENE V.— The House. 

Enter Miranda. 

Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my 
mad self. Now, don't I transgress all rules to 
venture upon a man without the advice of the 
grave and wise ! But then a rigid, knavish 
guardian who would have marry'd me-to whom ? 
even to his nauseous self, or nobody. Sir George, 
is what i have try'd in conversation, inquir'd into 
his character, and am satisfied in both. Then 
his love ! who would have given a hundred 
pounds only to have seen a woman he had not 
infinitely lov'd ? So I find my liking him has 
furnish'd me with arguments enough of his side : 
and now the only doubt remains whether he will 
come or no. 

Enter Scentwell and Sir George Airy, l.ii. 

Scent. That's resolv'd, madam, for here's the 
knight. [Exit, l.h. 

Sir G. And do I once more behold that lovely 
object whose idea fills my mind, and forms my 
pleasing dreams ? 

Mir. What, beginning again in heroics? — Sir 
George, don't you remember how little fruit 



30 THE BUSY BODY. 

your last prodigal oration produc'd? Not one 
bare, single word in answer. 

Sir G. Ha ! the voice of my incognita ! Why 
did you take ten thousand ways to captivate a, 
heart your eyes alone had vanquish'd ? 

Mir. No more of these flights. Do you think 
we can agree on that same terrible bugbear, 
matrimony, without heartily repenting on both 
sides ? 

Sir G. It has been my wish since first my 
longing eyes beheld you. 

Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleas- 
ing news I had thirty thousand pounds. 

Sir G. Unkind ! Did I not offer you, in those 
purchased minutes, to run the risk of your for- 
tune, so you would but secure that lovely per- 
son to my arms ? 

Mir. Well, if you have such love and tender- 
ness, since our wooing has been short, pray re- 
serve it for our future days, to let the world see 
we are lovers after wedlock ; 'twill be a noveijy. 

Sir G. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, 
and prove the envied pair— - 

Mir. Hold, not so fast ; I have provided bet- 
ter than to venture on dangerous experiments 
headlong — My guardian, trusting to my dissem- 
bled love, has given up my fortune to my own 
disposal, but with this proviso, that he to-mor- 
row morning weds me. He is now gone to 
Doctor's Commons for a licence. 

SirG. Ha ! a licence ! 

Mir. But I have planted emissaries that in- 
fallibly take him down to Epsom, under a pre- 



THE BUSY BODY. 81 

tence that a brother usurer of his is to make 
him his executor, the thing- on earth he covets. 
Sir G. ' i'is his known character. 
Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this 
man is dying 1 , and he sends me word he goes 
this minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can 
be undeceiv'd : that time is ours. 

Sir G. Let us improve it then, and settle on 
our coming years, endless happiness. 

Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the 
road — then 1 and my writings, the most material 
point, are soon removed. 

Sir G. I have one favour to ask ; if it lies in 
your power you would be a friend to poor 
Charles ; though the son of this tenacious man, 
he is as free from all his vices as nature and a 
good education can make him ; and, what now 
1 have vanity enough to hope will induce you, 
he is the man on earth 1 love. 

Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it 
on as it help'd my designs on his father. If his 
uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, 
which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singu- 
lar piece of service. 

Sir G. You are all goodness. 

Enter Scentwell, l.h. 

Scent. Oh, madam ! my master and Mr. Mar- 
plot are just coming into the house. 

Mir. Undone, undone ? if he finds you here 
in this crisis ail my plots are unravell'd. 
8 * 



iJ2 THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir G. What shall I do ? Can't I get back into 
the garden ? 

Scent. Oh no ! he comes up those stairs. 

Mir. Here, here, here ! Can you condescend 
to stand behind this chimney-board, sir George ? 

Sir G. Any where, any where, dear madam ! 
without ceremony. 

Scent. Come, come, sir, lie close. 

{They put him hehind the Chimney-board.) 

Enter Sir Francis Gripe and Marplot, l.h. 
Sir Francis peeling an Orange. 

Sir F. I could not go, though 'tis upon life 
and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy. 
Besides, this fellow buzz'd in my ears that thou 
might'st be so desperate, as to shoot that wild 
rake that haunts the garden- gate, and that 
would bring us into trouble/, dear — 

Mir. So Marplot brought you back then ? 

Mar. Yes, I brought him back. 

Mir. I'm oblig'd to him for that, I'm sure. 

{Frowning at Marplot aside.) 

Mar. By her looks she means she's not 
oblig'd to me. I have done some mischief now, 
but what I can't imagine. {Aside.) 

Sir F. Well, Chargy, I have had three mes- 
sengers to come to Epsom to my neighbour 
Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, is de- 
parting. {Sighs.) 

Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must come to. 

Sir F. Peace, you young knave ! Some forty 
years hence I may think on't — But, Chargy, I'll 



THE BUSY BODY. 85 

be with thee to-morrow before those pretty 
eyes are open ; I will, I will, Chargy, I'll rouse 
you, i'faith. — Here Mrs. Scentvvell, lift up your 
lady's chimney-board, that 1 may throw my peel 
in, and not litter her chamber. 

Mir. Oh, my stars I what will become of us 
now ? {Aside.) 

Scent. Oh, pray sir give it me ; I love it above 
all things in nature, indeed I do. 

Sir F. No, no, hussy ; you have the green 
pip already ; I'll have no apothecary's bills. 

(Goes towards the Chimney.) 

Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy ! I have a, 
a, a, a, a monkey shut up there ; and if you 
open it before the man comes that is to tame 
it, 'tis so wild 'twill break all my china or get 
away, and that would break my heart ; for I'm 
fond on't to distraction, next thee, dear Gardy ? 
(In a flattering Tone.) 

Sir F. Well, well, Chargy, 1 won't open it ; 
she shall have her monkey, poor rogue ! Here, 
throw this peel out of the window 

[Exit Scentwell, l.h. 

Mar. A monkey ! Dear madam let me see it ; 
I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them 
all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man ! 

Mir. Be quiet, mischief; and stand further 
from the chimney — You shall not see my mon- 
key — who sure- — (Striving with him.) 

Mar. For heaven's sake, dear madam ! let me 
but peep to see if it be as pretty as lady Fiddle- 
faddle's. Has it got a chain ? 

Mir. Not yet, but I design it one shall last its 



Z\ THE BUSY BODY. 

lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it — Look, 
Gardy, how he teazes me ! 

Sir F. {Getting betzveen him and the Chimney.) 
Sirrah, sirrah, let my Charge's monkey alone, 
or bamboo shall fly about your ears. What, is 
there no dealing with you? 

Mar. Pugh, plague of the monkey ! here's 
a rout ! I wish he may rival you. 

Enter Servant, l.h. 

Scrv, Sir, they have put two more horses to 
the coach as you order'd, and 'tis ready at the 
door. 

Sir F. Well, I am going to be executor; bet- 
ter for thee, jewel. B'ye, Chargy ; one buss! 
— I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert 
thee a little. 

Mir. Thank'ye, dear Gardy ! — Nay, I'll see 
you to the coach. 

Sir F. That's kind, adad. 

Mir. Come along, impertinence. {To Marplot.) 

Mar. [Stepping back.) 'Egad I will see the 
monkey now. (Lifts up the board and discovers 
Sir George.) O Lord ! O lord ! Thieves ! thieves ! 
murder ! 

Sir G. Damn ye, you unlucky dog ! 'tis I. 
Which way shall I get out ? Show me instantty, 
or I'll cut your throat. 

Mar. Undone, undone ! At that door there. 
But hold, hold ; break that china, and I'll bring 
you off. 

(He runs off at the Comer and throzus down 
some China.) 



THE BUSY BODY. 85 

Re-enter Sir Francis Gripe, Miranda, and 
Scent well, l.h. 

Sir F Mercy on me ! what's the matter ? 

Mir. O, you toad ! what have you done ? 

Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to forgive 
me. Longing to see this monkey, 1 did but just 
raise up the board, and it flew over my shoul- 
ders, scratch'd all my face broke your china, 
and whisked out of the window. 

Sir F. Where, where is it, sirrah? 

Mar. There, there, sir Francis, upon your 
neighbour Parmazan's pantiles. 

Sir F. Was ever such an unlucky rogue ! Sir. 
rah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants 
to get the monkey again. Pug, pug, pug ! I 
would stay myself to look for it, but you know 
my earnest business. 

Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it 
back : all them creatures love my lady ex- 
tremely. 

Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy 1 I hope I shall re- 
cover it. 

Sir F. B'ye, b'ye dearee ! Ah, mischief ! how 
you look now ! B'ye, b'ye. [Exit, l.h. 

Mir. Scentvvell, see him in the coach, and 
bring me word. 

Scent. Yes, madam. [Exit, l.h. 

Mir. So, sir you have done your friend a sig- 
nal piece of service, I suppose. 

Mar. Why, look you, madam, if I have com- 
mitted a fault, thank yourself ; no man is more 
serviceable when I am let into a secret, and 



86 THE BUSY BODY. 

none more unlucky at finding it out. Who could 
divine your meaning; when you talk'd of a 
blunderbuss, who thought of a rendezvous? and 
when you talked of a monkey, who the devil 
dreamt of sir George? 

Mir. A sign you converse but little with our 
sex, when you can't reconcile contradictions. 

Re-enter Scentwell, l.h. 

Scent, He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach 
and six can carry him — 

Re-enter Sir George Airy, r.h.u.e. 

Sir G. Then I may appear. 

Mar. Here's pug, ma'am — Dear sir George 
make my peace, on my soul 1 never took you 
for a monkey before. 

Sir G. I dare swear thou didst not. Madam, 
I beg you to forgive him. 

Mir. Well, sir George, if he can be secret. 

Mar. 'Odsheart, madam! I'm secret as a 
priest when trusted. 

Sir G. Why 'tis with a priest our business is 
at present. 

Scent. Madam, here's Mrs. Isabinda's woman 
to wait on you. 

Mir. Bring her up. 

Enter Patch, l.h. 

How do ye, Mrs. Patch? What news from 
your lady 1 



THE BUSY BODY. 87 

Patch. That's for your private ear, madam. 
Sir George, there's a friend of yours has an 
urgent occasion for your assistance. 

Sir G, His name. 

Patch Charles. 

Alar. Ha ! then there's something a-foot that 
I know nothing of. (Aside.) I'll wait on you, sir 
George. 

Sir G. A third person may not be proper, per- 
haps. As soon as I have dispatched my own 
affairs I am at his service. I'll send my servant 
to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour. 

Mir. Mow came you employed in this mes- 
sage, Mrs. Patch ? 

Patch. Want of business, madam ; I am dis- 
charged by my master, but hope to serve my 
lady still 

Mir. How ! discharg'd ! you must tell me the 
whole story within. 

Patch. With all my heart, madam. 

Mar. Tell it here, Mrs. Patch.-Pish ! plague ; 
1 wish I were fairly out of the house. 1 rind 
marriage is the end of this secret ; and now I'm 
half mad to know what Charles wants him for. 

{Aside.) 

Sir G. Madam, I'm doubly press'd by love 
and friendship. This exigence admits of no 
delay. Shall we make Marplot of the party'? 

Mir. If you'll run the hazard, sir George; I 
believe he means well. 

Mar. Nay, nay, for my part I desire to be 
let into nothing; I'll be gone, therefore pray 
don't mistrust me. (Going.) 



88 THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir G. So now he has a mind to be gone to 
Charles : but not knowing what affairs he may 
have upon his hands at present, I'm resolv'd he 
shan't stir. (Aside.) No, Mr. Marplot, you must 
not leave us ; we want a third person. 

(Takes hold of him.) 
Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in 
my life. 

Mir. Come along then ; if we fail in the 
voyage, thank yourself for taking this ill-starr'd 
gentleman on board. 

Sir G That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful 

prove, [love. 

Whose freight is beauty, and whose pilot's 

[Exeunt Sir George and Miranda, l.h. 

Mar. Tyty ti, tyty ti. 

(Steals off the other Way.) 

Re-enter Sir George, l.h. 

Sir G. Marplot! Marplot! 
Mar. (Entering.) Here ! I was coming, sir 
George. [Exeunt, l.h* 

END OF ACT IV, 



THE BUSY BODY. 89 

ACT V. 

SCENE I. — A Room in Sir Francis Gripers 
House. 

Enter Miranda, Patch, and Scentwell, r h. 

Mir. Well, Patch, I have done a strange bold 
thing; my fate is determined, and expectation 
is no more. Now to avoid the impertinence 
and roguery of an old man, I have thrown my- 
self into the extravagance of a young one; if 
he should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's 
no remedy from a husband but the grave, and 
that's a terrible sanctuary to one of my age and 
constitution. 

Patch Oh ! fear not, madam ; you'll find 
your account in sir George Airy; it is impossi- 
ble a man of sense should use a woman ill, en- 
dued with beauty, wit, and fortune. it must be 
the lady's fault if she does not wear the un- 
fashionable name of wife easy, when nothing 
but complaisance and good humour is requisite 
on either side to make them happy. 

Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest 
any accident should bring my guardian back. 
Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little 
casket, siip them into thy pocket, and let us 
march off to sir Jealous. 

Scent. It shall be done, madam. [Exit, r.h. 

Patch Sir George will be impatient, madam. 
If their plot succeeds, we shall be well receiv'd ; 
9 



90 THE BUSY BODY. 

if not, he will be able to protect us. Besides, I 
long to know how my young lady fares. 

Mir. Farewell, old Mammon, and thy de- 
tested walls ! '1 will be no more sweet sir Fran- 
cis ! I shall be compeird to the odious task of 
dissembling no longer to get my own, and coax 
him with the wheedling names of my precious, 
my dear, dear Gardy ! O heavens ! 

Eater Sir Francis Gripe, behind, r.h. 

Sir F. Ah, my sweet Chargy ! don't be 
frighted ; (She starts.) but thy poor Gardy has 
been abus'd, cheated, fooFd, betray'd ; but no- 
body knows by whom. 

Mir. Undone, past redemption. (Aside.) 

Sir F. What won't you speak to me, Chargy? 

Mir. I am so surpris'd with joy to see you I 
know not what to say. 

Sir F. Poor, dear girl ! But do you know that 
my son, or some such rogue, to rob or murder 
me, or both, contriv'd this journey ? for upon 
the road I met my neighbour Squeezum well, 
and coming to town. 

Mir. Good lack ! good lack ! what tricks are 
there in this world ! 

Re-enter Scentwell, r.h. with a diamond Neck- 
lace in her Hand, not seeing sir Francis. 

Scent. Madam, be pleas'd to tie this necklace 

on, for I can't get into the — (Seeing sir Francis.) 

Mir. The wench is a fool, I think! Could 



THE BUSY BODY. 9! 

you not have carried it to be mended without 
putting it in the box. 

Sir F. What's the matter ? 

Mir. Only, dearee ! 1 bid her — I bid her — 
Your ill-usage has put every thing out of my 
head. But won't you go, Gardy, and find out 
these fellows, and have them punished, and, 
and — 

Sir F. Where should I look for them, child ? 
no, I'll set me down contented with my safety, 
nor stir out of my own doors till I go with thee 
to a parson. 

Mir. If he goes into his closet I am ruin'd. 
(Aside.) Oh, bless me ! In this fright I had for- 
got Mrs. Patch. 

Patch. Ay, madam, and I sta}^ for your speedy 
answer. 

Mir. I must get him out of the house. Now 
assist me, fortune ! (Aside.) 

Sir F. Mrs. Patch ! I profess 1 did not see 
you : how dost thou do. Mrs Patch ? Well, 
don't you repent leaving my Chargy ? 

Patch, Yes, every body must love her — but 
1 come now — Madam, what did I come for? my 
invention is at the last ebb. (Aside to Miranda.) 

Sir F. Nay, never whisper, tell me. 

Mir. She came, dear Gardy ! to invite me to 
her lady's wedding, and you shall go with me, 
Gardy ; 'tis to be done this moment, to a Spa- 
nish merchant. Old sir Jealous keeps on his 
humour : the first minute he sees her, the next 
he marries her. 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! ha ! I'd go if I thought 
the sight of matrimony would tempt Chargy to 



92 THE BUSY BODY. 

perform her promise. There was a smile, there 
was a consenting- look, with those pretty twink- 
les, worth a million! 'Ods precious ! I am hap- 
pier than the great mogul, the emperor of 
China, or all the potentate* that are not in the 
wars. Speak, confirm it, make me leap out of 
my skin. 

Mir. When one has resolved, 'tis in vain to 
stand shilly shally If ever 1 marry, positively 
this is my wedding-day. 

Sir F. Oh ! happy, happy man — Verily, I will 
beget a son the first night shall disinherit that 
dog Charles. I have estate enough to purchase 
a h irony, and be the immortalizing the whole 
family of the Gripes. 

Mir. Come then, Gardy, give me thy hand ; 
let's to this house of Hymen. 

My choice is hVd, let good or ill betide ; 

Sir F. The joyful bridegroom I, 

Mir. And 1 the happy bride. [Exeunt, l.h. 

SCENE If. Jin Apartment in the House of sir 
Jealous Traffick. 

Enter Sir Jealous Traffick r.h. meeting a 

Servant. 

Serv. Sir, here's a couple of gentlemen in- 
quire for you ; one of them calls himself signior 
Diego Babinetto. 

Sir J. Ha! Signior Babinetto ! admit 'em in- 
stantly—joyful minute ; I'll have my daughter 
married to night. 



THE BUSY BODY. 93 

Enter Charles, l.h. in a Spanish habit, with Sir 
George Airy, dressed like a Merchant. 

Senhor, beso las manos : vuestra merced es muy 
bien venido en esta tierra. 

Charles. Senhor, soy muy humi Ide, y muy 
obligado cryado de vuestra merced : mi padre 
embia a vuestra merced, los mas profondos de 
sus respetos ; y a commissionado este mercadel 
Ingles, de concluyr un negocio, que me haze el 
mas dichos shombre del mundo, haziendo me su 
yerno. 

Sir J. I am glad on't, for I find I have lost 
much of m} r Spanish. Sir, 1 am your most hum- 
ble servant. Signior don Diego Babinetto has 
informed me that you are commissioned by 
Signior don Pedro, &c. his worthy father — 

Sir G To see an affair of marriage consum- 
mated between a daughter of yours and signior 
Diego Babinetto his son here. True, sir, such 
a trust is repos'd in me, as that letter will in- 
form you. — I hope 'twill pass upon him. 

(Aside.) — (Gives him a Letter.) 

Sir J. Ay, 'tis his hand. (Seems to read.) 

Sir G. Good, you have counterfeited to a 
nicety, Charles. (Aside to Charles.) 

Sir J. Sir, I find by this that you are a man of 
honour and probity ; I think, sir, he calls you 
Meanwell. 

Sir G. Meanwell is my name, sir. 

Sir J. A very good name, and very signifi- 
cant. For to mean well is to be honest, and to 
9 * 



94 THE BUSY BODY. 

be honest is the virtue of a friend, and a friend 
is the delight and support of human society. 

Sir G. You shall tind that I'll discharge the 
part of a friend in what I have undertaken, sir 
Jealous. Therefore, sir, I must entreat the 
presence of your fair daughter, and the assist- 
ance of your chaplain ; for signior don Pedro 
strictly enjoined me to see the marriage rites 
performed as soon as we should arrive, to avoid 
the accidental overtures of Venus. 

Sir J. Overtures of Venus ! 

Sir G. Ay, sir ; that is, those little hawking 
females that traverse the park and the play- 
house to put off their damag'd ware — they fasten 
upon foreigners like leeches, and watch their 
arrival as carefully as the Kentish men do a 
shipwreck : I warrant you they have heard of 
him already. 

Sir J. Nay, 1 know this town swarms with 
them. 

Sir G. Ay, and then yoi* know the Spaniards 
are naturally amorous, but very constant ; the 
first face fixes 'em ; and it may be very dan- 
gerous to let him ramble ere he is tied. 

Sir J. Pat to my purpose — Well, sir, there is 
but one thing more, and they shall be married 
instantly. 

Charles. Pray heaven that one thing more 
won't spoil all. (Aside.) 

Sir J Don Pedro wrote me word, in his last 
]but one, that he designed the sum of five thou- 
sand crowns by way of jointure for my daugh- 
ter, and that it should be paid into my hand 
upon the day of marriage — 



THE BUSY BODY. 95 

Charles. Oh, the devil ! {Aside.) 

Sir J. In order to lodge it in some of our 
funds in case she should become a widow, and 
return to England — 

Sir G. Plague on't ! this is an unlucky turn. 
What shall I say ? (Aside.) 

Sir J. And he does not mention one word of 
it in this letter. 

Sir G. Humph ! True, sir Jealous, he told 
me such a thing, but, but, but, but — he, he, he, 
he — he did not imagine that you would insist 
upon the very day ; for, for, for, for money, you 
know, is dangerous returning by sea, an, an, 
an — 

Charles. Zounds ! say we have brought it in 
commodities. (Aside to sir G.) 

Sir G. And so, sir, he has sent it in merchan- 
dize tobacco, sugars* spices, lemons, and so 
forth, which shall be turned into money with all 
expedition ; in the mean time, sir, if you please 
to accept of my bond for performance — 

Sir J. It is enough, sir ; I am so pleas'd with 
the countenance of signior Diego, and the har- 
mony of your name, that Til take your word, 
and will fetch my daughter this moment. With- 
in there. 

Enter Servant l.h. 

Desire Mr/ Tackum, my neighbour's chaplain, 
to walk hither. 

Serv. Yes, sir. [Exit, l.h. 

Sir J. Gentlemen, I'll return in an instant. 

[Exit, R.H, 



)6 THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir G. 'Egad, that five thousand crowns had 
like to have ruined the plot. 

Charles. But that's over; and if fortune 
throws no more rubs in our way — 

Sir G. Thou'lt carry the prize — But hist ! 
here he comes. 

Re-enter Sir Jealous Traffick, dragging in 

ISABINDA, R.H. 

Sir J. Come along, you stubborn baggage, you ! 
come along. 

Isa. Oh! hear me, sir, hear me but speak 
one word ; 
Do not destroy my everlasting peace ; 
My soul abhors this Spaniard you have chose. 

Sir J. How's that ? 

Isa. Let this posture move your tender nature. 

[Kneels.) 
For ever will I hang upon these knees, 
Not loose my hands till you cut off my hold, 
If you refuse to hear me. sir. 

Sir J. Did you ever see such a perverse slut? 
Off, I say. Mr. Meanwell, pray help me a little. 

Sir G. Rise, madam, and do not disoblige 
your father, who has provided a husband worthy 
of you, one that will love you equal with his 
soul, and one that you will love, when once 
you know him. 

Isa. Oh ! never, never ! 
Could I suspect that falsehood in my heart, 
I would this moment tear it from my breast, 
And straight present him with the treach'rous 
part. 



THE BUSY BODY. 97 

Sir J. Falsehood ! why, who the devil are you 
in love with? Don't provoke me, or by St. 
lago I shall beat you, housewife. 

Sir G. Sir Jealous, you are too passionate. 
Give me leave, I'll try by gentle words to work 
her to your purpose. 

Sir ./. I pray do, Mr. Meanwell, I pray do ; 
she'll break my heart. (Weeps.) There is in that 
casket jewels of the value of three thousand 
pounds, which were her mother's, and a paper 
wherein I have settled one-half of my estate 
upon her now, and the whole when ! die, but 
provided she marries this gentleman, else by St. 
Iago, I'll turn her out of doors to beg or starve. 
Tell her this, Mr. Meanwell, pray do. (Walks 
toward Charles.) 

Sir G. Ha ! this is beyond expectation (Aside.) 
Trust to me, sir, I'll lay the dangerous conse- 
quence of disobeying you at this juncture before 
her, I warrant you. Come, madam, do not 
blindly cast your life away just in the moment 
you would wish to save it. 

Isa Pray cease your trouble, sir : I have no 
wish but death to free me from this hated Spa- 
niard. If you are his friend, inform hem what 
I say. 

Sir G. Suppose this Spaniard, which you strive 
to shun, should be the very man to whom you'd 
fly? 

Isa. Ha ! 

Sir G. Would you not blame your rash re- 
solve, and curse your eyes that would not look 
on Charles ? 



98 THE BUSY BODY. 

Isa. On Charles ! Where is he 1 (Rises.) 

Sir G. Hold, hold, hold, 'Sdeath ! madam, 
you 11 ruin all. Your father believes him to be 
signior Babinetto. Compose yourself a little, 
pray madam. (He runs to Sir Jealous.) She 
begins to hear reason, sir ; the fear of being 
turned out of doors has done it. Speak gently 
to her, sir; I'm sure she'll yield; I see it in 
her face. 

Sir J. Well, Isabinda, can you refuse to biess 
a father whose only care is to make you happy. 

Isa. Oh, sir! do with me what you please ; I 
am all obedience. 

Sir J. And wilt thou love him ? 

Isa. I will endeavour it, sir. 

Enter Servant, l.h. 

Serv. Sir, here is Mr. Tackum. 

Sir J. Show him into the parlour. [Exit Ser- 
vant, l.h.] Senhor tome vind sueipora ; cette 
momento les junta les manos. 

(Gives her to Charles.) 

Charles. Senhor, yo la recibo como se deve 
un tesora tan grande. (Embraces her.) 

Sir J. Now, Mr. Mean well, let's to the parson, 
Who, by his art, will join this pair for life, 
Make me the happiest father, her the happiest 
wife. [Exeunt, r.h. 



THE BUSY BODY. 99 

SCENE III. — 5 Street before Sir Jealous Traf- 
Jick's House. 

Enter Marplot, l-h. 

Mar. I have hunted all over the town for 
Charles, but can t find him, and by Whisper's 
scouting at the end of the street, I suspect he 
must be in the house again. I am informed too 
that he has borrowed a Spanish habit out of the 
playhouse : what can it mean ? 

Enter a Servant of Sir Jealous TrafficVs to him 
out of the House. 

Harkye, sir, do you belong to this house ? 

Serv. Yes, sir. 

Mar Isn't your name Richard ? 

Serv. No. sir ; Thomas. 

Mar. Oh, ay, Thomas-Well, Thomas, there's 
a shilling for you 

Serv. 'Thank you, sir. 

Mar Fray, Thomas, can you tell if there be 
a gentleman in it in a Spanish habit? 

Serv. There's a Spanish gentleman within 
that >s just a-going to marry my young lady, sir. 

Mar. Are you sure he is a Spanish gentleman ? 

Serv. I'm sure he speaks no English that I 
hear of 

Mar. Then that can't be him I want, for 'tis 
an Engl sh gentleman that I inquire after; he 
may be dressed like a Spaniard, for aught I 
know. 



100 THE BUSV BODY. 

Serv. Ha i who knows but this may be an im« 
poster? ril inform my master, for if he should 
be impos'd upon, he'll beat us all round. (Aside.) 
Pray come in, sir, and see if this be the person 
you inquire for. 

Mar. Ay, I'll follow you. Now for it. 

[Exeunt into the houses 

SCENE IV.— The inside of the house. 

Enter Marplot and Servant, l.h. 

Serv. Sir, please to stay here; I'll send my 
master to you. [Exit, r.h. 

Mar. So this was a good contrivance. If this 
be Charles now, he will wonder how 1 found him 
out. 

Re-enter Servant and Sir Jealous Traffick, r.h. 

Sir J. What is your earnest business, block- 
head ! that you must speak with me before the 
ceremony's past ? Ha ! who this ? 

Serv. Why this gentleman, sir, wants another 
gentleman in a Spanish habit he says. 

Sir J. In a Spanish habit ! 'tis some friend of 
signior don Diego's, I warrant. (Aside.) Sir, your 
servant. 

Mar. Your servant, sir. 

Sir J. I suppose you would speak with sig- 
nior Babinetto. 

Mar. Sir! 

Sir J. I say, 1 suppose you would speak with 
sisrnior Babinetto ? 



THE BUSY BODY. 101 

Mar. Hey-day ! what the devil does he say 
now ? (Aside.) Sir, I dont understand you. 

Sir J. Don't you understand Spanish, sir ? 

Mar. Not I indeed, sir. 

Sir J. 1 thought you had known signior Ba- 
binetto. 

Mar. Not I, upon my word, sir. 

Sir J. What then you'd speak with his friend, 
the English merchant, Mr. Meanwell? 

Mar. Neither, sir, not I ; I don't mean any 
such thing. 

Sir J. Why, who are you then, sir ? and what 
do you want ? (In an angry Tone.) 

Mar. Nay nothing at all, not I, sir — Plague 
on him ! I wish I were out; he begins to exalt 
his voice ! I shall be beaten again. (Aside.) 

Sir J. Nothing at all, sir! Why then what 
business have you in my house, ha? 

Serv. You said you wanted a gentleman in a 
Spanish habit. 

Mar. Why, ay but his name is neither Babi- 
netto nor Meanwell. 

Sir J. What is his name then, sirrah ? Ha ! 
now I look at you again, I believe you are the 
rogue that threatened me with half a dozen 
myrmidons — 

Mar. Me, sir ! I never saw your face in all 
my life before. 

Sir J. Speak, sir ; who is it you look for ? or^ 
or — 

Mar. A terrible old dog ! (Aside.) Why, sir, 
only an honest young fellow of my acquaintance 
I thought that here might be a ball, and that 
10 



102 THE BUSY BODY. 

he might have been here in a masquerade. — 
'Tis Charles, sir Francis Gripe's son, — because 
I know he us'd to come hither sometimes. 

Sir J. Did he so ? — Not that I know of, I'm 
sure. Pray heaven that this be don Diego — If 
1 should be trick'd now — Ha ! my heart mis- 
gives me plaguily — Within there ! stop the mar- 
riage — Run, sirrah, call all my servants ! I'll be 
satisfied that this is signior Pedro's son ere he 
has my daughter. 

Alar. Ha ! sir George ! what have I done 
now 1 



Enter Sir George Airy, with a drawn sword, 
between the Scenes, r h. 

Sir G. Ha ! Marplot here — oh, the unlucky 
dog — What's the matter, sir Jealous ? 

Sir J. Nay, I don't know the matter, Mr, 
Meanwell. 

Mar. Upon my soul, sir George — 

(Going up to sir George.) 

Sir J. Nay then, I'm betray'd, ruin'd, un- 
done, — Thieves, traitors, rogues ! (Offers to go 
in.) Stop the marriage, I say — 

Sir G. I say go on, Mr. Tackum — Nay, no 
entering here ; I guard this passage, old gen- 
tleman : the act and deed were both your own, 
and I'll see 'em sign'd, or die for't. 

Enter Servant, l.h. 

Sir J. A plague on the act and deed ! — Fall 
on sir, knock him down. 



THE BUSY BODY. 103 

Sir G. Ay, come on scoundrels ! I'll prick 
vour jackets for you. 

' Sir J. Zounds ! sirrah, I'll be reveng'd on 
you. {Beats Marplot.) 

Sir G. Ay, there your vengeance is due. Ha, 
ha! 

Mar. Why, what do you beat me for ? I ha'nt 
married your daughter. 

Sir J. Rascals ! why don't you knock him 
down? 

Serv. We are afraid of his sword, sir ; if you'll 
take that from him, we'll knock him down pre- 
sently. 

Enter Charles and Isabinda, r.h. 

Sir J. Seize her then. 

Charles. Rascals, retire, she's my wife ; touch 
her if you dare ; I'll make dogs'-meat of you. 

Mar. Ay, I'll make dogs'-meat of you, rascals. 

.Sir /. Ah ! downright English — Oh, oh, oh, 
oh! 

Enter Sir Francis Gripe and Miranda, l.h. 

Sir F. Into the house of joy we enter with- 
out knocking — Ha ! I think 'tis the house of 
sorrow, sir Jealous. 

Sir J. Oh, sir Francis, are you come ? What ! 
was this your contrivance, to abuse, trick, and 
chouse me out of my child ? 

Sir F. My contrivance ! what do you mean ? 

Sir J. No, you don't know your son there ip 
a Spanish habit ? 



104 THE BUSY BODY. 

Sir F. How ! my son in a Spanish habit ! 
Sirrah, you'll come to be hang'd. Get out of 
my sight, ye dog ! get out of my sight. 

Sir J. Get out of your sight, sir ! get out 
with your bags. Let's see what you'll give him 
now to maintain my daughter on. 

Sir F. Give him ! he shall never be the bet- 
ter for a penny of mine— and you might have 
look'd after your daughter better, sir Jealous. 
Trick'd quotha! 'Egad, I think you design'd to 
trick me : but look ye, gentlemen, I believe I 
shall trick you both. This lady is my wife, do 
you see, and my estate shall descend only to her 
children. 

Sir G. I shall be extremely obliged to you, 
sir Francis. 

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! poor sir George ! does 
not your hundred pounds stick in your stomach ? 
ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir G. No faith, sir Francis, this ladv has 
given me a cordial for that. 

(Takes her by the Hand.) 

Sir F. Hold, sir, you have nothing to say to 
this lady. 

Sir G. Nor you nothing to do with my wife, sir. 

SirF. Wife, sir! 

Mir. Ay, really, guardian, 'tis even so. I 
hope you'll forgive my first offence. 

Sir F. What have you chous'd me out of my 
consent and your writings then, mistress, ha ? 

Mir. Out of nothing but my own, guardian. 

Sir J, Ha, ha, ha ! 'tis some comfort at least 
to see you are over-reach'd as well as myself. 
Will you settie your estate upon your son now! 



THE BUSY BODY. 105 

Sir F. He shall starve first. 

Mir. That I have taken care to prevent, 
There, sir, are the writings of your uncle's 
estate, which have been your due these three 
years. {Gives Charles papers.) 

Charles. I shall study to deserve this favour. 

Mar. Now how the devil could she get those 
writings, and 1 know nothing of it. 

Sir F. What have you robb'd me too, mis- 
tress ? 'Egad, I'll make you restore 'em — hussy, 
I will so. 

Sir J. Take care I don't make you pay the 
arrears, sir. 'Tis well 'tis no worse, since 'tis 
no better. Come young man, seeing thou hast 
outwitted me, take her, and bless you both ! 

Charles. 1 hope, sir, you'll bestow your bless- 
ing too; 'tis all I ask. (Kneels.) 

Mar. Do, Gardy, do. 

Sir F. Confound you all ! [Exit, l.h. 

Mar. Mercy upon us, how he looks ! 

Sir G. Ha, ha, ha ! ne'er mind his curses, 
Charles ; thou'lt thrive not one jot the worse 
for 'em. Since this gentleman is reconcil'd we 
are all made happy 

Sir J. I always lov'd precaution, and took 
care to avoid dangers ; but when a thing was 
past, I ever had philosophy to be easy. 

Charles. Which is the true sign of a great 
soul. I lov'd your daughter, and she me, and 
you shall have no reason to repent her choice. 

Isa. You will not blame me, sir, for loving my 
own country best. 

Mar. So here's every body happy, I find, but 



106 



THE BUSY BODY. 



poor Pilgarlick. I wonder what satisfaction I 
shall have for being cuff'd, kick'd, and beaten 
in your service ! 

Sir J. I have been a little too familiar with 
you as things are fallen out ; but since there's 
no help for't, you must forgive me. 

Mar. 'Egad 1 think so — but provided that you 
be not so familiar for the future. 

Sir G. Thou hast been an unlucky rogue. 

Mar. But very honest. 

Charles. That I'll vouch for, and freely for- 
give thee. 

Sir G. And I'll do you one piece of service 
more, Marplot; I'll take care sir Francis makes 
you master of your estate. 
Mar. That will make me as happy as any of you. 

Sir J. Now let us in, and refresh ourselves 
with a cheerful glass, in which we'll bury all 
animosities ; and 

By my example let all parents move, 

And never strive to cross their children's love ; 

But still submit that care to Providence above. 



Disposition of the Characters when the Curtain falls. 




Pt.H. 



L.H. 



SjJiioaur. 



In me you see one busy body more, 
Though you may have enough of one before. 
With epilogues, the busy body's way, 
We strive to help, but sometimes mar a play. 
At this mad sessions, half-condemn'd ere try'd,' 
Some in three days have been turn'd off, and dy'd : 
In spite of parties, their attempts are vain, 
For, like false prophets, they ne'er rise again. 
Too late, when cast, your favour one beseeches, 
And epilogues prove execution speeches. 
Yet sure I spy no busy bodies here, 
And one may pass, since they do ev'ry where. 
Sour critics, time, and breath, and censures waste-. 
And balk your pleasure to refine your taste ; 
One busy don ill-tim'd high tenets preaches, 
Another yearly shows himself in speeches ; 
Some suiv'ling cits would have a peace for spite, 
To starve those warriors who so bravely fight ; 
Still of a foe upon his knees afraid, 

Whose well-bang'd troops want money, heart, and bread, 
Old beaux, who none, not e'en themselves, can please, 
Are busy still for nothing — but to tease ; 
The young, so busy to engage a heart, 
The mischief done are busy most to part ; 
Ungrateful wretches! who still cross one's will, 
When they more kindly might be busy still : 



108 EPILOGUE. 

One to a husband who ne'er dream'd of horns, 
Shows how dear spouse with friend his brows adorns 
TV officious tell-tale fool (he should repent it.) 
Parts three kind souls that liv'd at peace contented. 
Some with law quirks set houses by the ears ; 
.With physic one what he would heal impairs ; 
Like that dark, mop'd up fry, that neighb'ring curse, 
Who to remove love's pains bestow a worse. 
Since then this meddling tribe infest the age, 
Bear one awhile exposal upon the stage ; 
Let none but busy bodies vent their spite, 
And, with good-humour, pleasure crown the night. 



OXBERRY'S EDITION 

or 

Cfte mto Ettsiteti ©tram*. 



▼ ▼ ELLS & LILLY, (Boston,) have commenc- 
ed reprinting a Series of Plays that are now pub- 
lishing in London, and known as Oxberry's Edi- 
. tion, which is the only one ever published con- 
taining the stage business and directions for cor- 
rect performance of plays. 

{£?- A number is published every Saturday* 
Price to Subscribers, — each play 25 cents — each 
melo-drame or farce, 20 cents. 



Extract from the English Publishers* Prospectus. 
(t It is intended in this Publication to comprise the most 
popular Theatrical Pieces of every description, and to gratify the 
lovers of Dramatic Literature and the Professors of the Stage, 
with a standard and portable edition of the English Dra- 
ma, arranged in a style of novelty and excellence unknown to 
the manifold selections of a comparative nature by which this 
work has been preceded. Not to expatiate upon the glaring 
errors, of inadvertence or design, by which the best works of 
this kind are degraded, the present attempt to correct mistake, 
expunge redundancy, and supply omission, will be coupled 
with such features of utility as it is, perhaps, in the power of 



NEW ENGLISH DRAMA. 

its ostensible Editor alone to afford. The theatrical reader will 
at once be enabled to appreciate the magnitude and importance 
of this plan, by a disclosure of those points upon which the 
Publishers, with most respectful firmness, have founded then- 
claims to support. 

"Every Play, Farce, Melo-drame, or Opera will be printed 
from its respective official copy. The exact time tha each act 
takes in representation will be correctly stated. Parties who 
wish to leave the Theatre at the end of the play may thus order 
their carriages to an exact hour. 

" The sides of entrance and exit will be carefu"y noted ; and 
the ST.-iGEPLOT, or disposition of the characters, given, upcn 
every change, in a form of perfect originality, and luminous 
information. Such an addendum must prove of incomparable 
value to provincial performers, by whom the business of the 
scene is at all times a matter of laborious attainment, and cav. 
thus alone be rendered an object of easy, and authentic acqui 
sition. 

u Obscure passages in the earliest Poets will be clearly ex 
plained, the predominant Costume correctly described, and a 
critical Estimate affixed to every Production, of its literary an-i 
dramatic pretensions. » 

" The Superintendence of this publication will be a&sun ed 
by W. OX BERRY, of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, as.ist- 
ed, in the e iitorial department, by public Writers oi" aciue ob- 
servation, and erudite research. Under such auspi-.es the 
New English Drama will be fully entitled, it is ho;jjd, to 
that Approbation and Encouragement, which no endear our or 
expense shall be spared to procure and enlarge"." 




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